Is Online Dating Worth the Fees?

Before you pay that exorbitant fee, here are some things to consider about online dating and whether or not it will really afford you a better shot at a happy relationship than meeting someone out on your own.

CONS:

1. Most services are designed to optimize the money they make off of memberships. That’s why they want hundreds of dollars up front for 3-6 months and set you up to automatically renew.  The owners know your chances of really meeting a life match are slim. Want to see this in action? Sign up for a free trial, let it expire and watch how many emails with blocked pictures and suppressed profile info land in your inbox prompting you to subscribe to find out more about the person who showed interest in you. There’s a 95% chance (number based on experience, no data) the person behind that suppressed picture isn’t attractive, has nothing in common or is way too old or young for you, but you'll have to pay to find out.
2.  Men online are all pretty much seeking supermodels. If you’re average, carrying a little extra weight, or over 35, most men, old or young, fat or thin, ugly or handsome, are going to skip over you in pursuit of the ones who look like movie stars. Since there are thousands of women to choose from, the cycle of rejection that usually causes reality to set in and direct them toward someone “normal” in a traditional sense takes much longer to complete online. How do I know this? I let my friend-sponsored membership expire, updated my headline and profile to say I can only see winks, and yet I still get scores of photo likes and emails every day from men who have been subscribed for months, even years. These men are ONLY looking at pictures, and it’s the majority of them. The few who do read enough to know to wink are generally way too old or unattractive to ever catch my eye, and clearly still have no shared interests. Attractive men my own age indicate in their profiles they’re all looking for women who are 21-35, which tells me a shiny trophy is really their only goal.
3.  Most services provide you no safety filters whatsoever. There is no validation of identity (unless you yourself choose to have yours validated for an extra fee), no background check and no verification that there is any truth behind their photos or profiles. Basically, people online are often even less truthful about who they are than in person, because in a bar they can’t hide their big noses or balding pates. At least in real life, you can see the “tells” when a guy is lying to you. You don’t get that chance online. In either situation, there is no way of knowing if they’re actually single, but at least in real life you can tell if a guy is creepy up front. And there’s no doubt whether or not they’re actually “athletic & toned,” which seems to be the description of virtually every man online.
4.  If you are attractive or at least have a pretty profile picture, you’re going to get deluged and spend hours weeding through the bad matches. You’re going to get chastised when you say no to people who wouldn’t even try to approach you in real life. And you’re going to get digitally stalked by some. Not that this couldn’t happen in real life, but at least then you have the option of simply walking away.
5.  Too many men online view it more as a call-girl service than a place to meet that special someone. Okay, that’s most men in bars, too. Never mind.

PROS

1.  You have more options. In real life, it’s a matter of chance whether or not you’ll bump into someone who is single and looking to date, especially if you live in married suburbia like me. It’s even tougher if you work long hours and/or are a single parent. Online, it’s guaranteed they’re looking to date and a good chance they’re actually single, and your geographic and social circles are greatly expanded. If you do happen to be attractive and under 35, your options are almost endless compared to any other avenue.
2.  It’s easier to say no. The worst is when you’re out and can’t shake that mine that is clinging to you and scaring real prospects away. It happens to me all the time. I go out with my friends or to some event and someone I’d never date in a million years monopolizes my entire evening no matter how hard I try to send him on his way. At least online most services give you the option of blocking that guy who just can’t take no for an answer and he can't prevent other more interesting people from talking to you.
3.  You can be just as choosy as the guys. Sure, they make their decision at first glance, but you don’t have to. Online, you get the chance to have a few conversations before deciding whether or not to go out with someone, let alone give him your personal contact info. When you first meet a man in a public place like a bar, you have to decide on that first meeting and swap numbers or email addresses right then.

Realistically speaking, there are no guarantees you’re going to meet your “forever” person whether it’s in real life or online. I personally believe that if you simply focus on doing the things you enjoy and making the most of life, love will come along in its own time. Of course, you’ve got to get out of the house and be available for that to happen. So clean those ghosts out of your attic and dust off those dancing shoes in your closet and just get out and have some fun.

Why No Pic is a Bad Thing

I’m a member of Match.com. Not by choice, but I am nevertheless, so I’m making the best of it by trying to take my meddling friend or family member’s financial investment in my romantic life seriously.  So yes, I spend time trying to review profiles and respond when they reach out to me. I give each and every one at least a first glance.
Except those that have posted no pictures.
     It’s not just that I’m slightly shallow when it comes to dating attractive men, but that I’m very safety-minded (most of the time). Men who join online dating services and never post a picture of themselves have something to hide, plain and simple. That means they’re not likely worth your time.  Here’s some of the reasons you should skip over them, even if they offer to send you a picture directly:
 1. They’re married or in an “exclusive” relationship. They haven’t posted any pictures in case someone they know happens upon their profile. This also means they’re not serious about finding anything more than a bit of nookie on the side. These guys will happily send you all kinds of pictures directly because they’re sure they won’t get caught that way, but they’ll never invite you to their own home and will discourage you from posting anything about them online. All of these are big red flags that this frog has some serious warts.
 2. They’ve already gone out with half the women in your town and treated them badly (stolen money, cheated on them, abandoned a child, shared an STD or just simply slept with them and disappeared). Clearly, they don’t want to be found by an angry former date.
 3. They are registered predators (sex offenders, felons, etc.) and hiding their identity. (Technically, these guys are generally not allowed to hunt for dates online and are trying to circumvent the system once again.) Of course, they may just be wanted by one or more legal entities and not yet registered anywhere. Either way, these are not guys you want to meet under any circumstance.
 4. They are in the witness protection program. I’m thinking you really don’t want to date someone who’s being hunted by a slew of angry mobsters.
 5. The most common reason: they’re ugly. Sadly enough, this shouldn’t matter, but these men feel like they need to swindle women into a date with them using their charming personality and hope you’ll get over their hideous appearance once you meet. They may even tell you that people tell them how handsome they are. (Could be true if those "people" they’re talking about are their mothers.)  Realistically, they’d have a better chance if they went ahead and posted a picture of themselves and tried to meet women within their own level of attractiveness.  Unfortunately, as we’ve already discussed, many men think paying for a membership is going to get them a date with someone who looks like a supermodel, reality be damned!
 6. They just haven’t gotten around to posting one yet. Ask them to post a picture and give them a few days to do so. If they refuse to post it online, assume something in bullets one through five is true and move along. In this age of digital photography, there is very little chance they haven’t at least taken the ubiquitous “driving my car” selfie they could use.
 7. Okay, there is the highly unlikely but slight possibility the member is a celebrity of some sort and trying to avoid the embarrassment of being caught online. I wouldn’t hold my breath for this excuse, though.
    The short of it is, people who don’t want to post a picture are generally trying to deceive their potential dates in one way or another and are a waste of your time. I personally make it clear I will not respond to people who don’t meet my critical criteria: age, employment status, marital status, non-smoking and must have photos. Then I stick to it. You should, too.

Avoiding Photo Crimes

Ladies, studies have shown that you need to have at least three good, flattering pictures to get attention via an online dating service. And, if you’re in decent shape, at least one full body shot will get much better response than headshots only.  Given it seems most men treat an online dating service like a catalog, having quality pictures is critical to getting your money's worth from whatever service you join.
     However, if you're serious about finding a quality date, you REALLY need to avoid posting pictures of yourself that fall into any of these common no-no categories:

• The duck-faced, cleavage-baring selfie (men get sick of these fast)
• The too much makeup/sleazy clothes photo (unless you want them to think you’re a hooker)
• The bathroom mirror selfie (including phone)
• The driving my car selfie (unsafe and unoriginal)
• The yoga pose (unoriginal)
• The bad hair day photo (it might seem funny, but is a guaranteed date repellent unless you’re a Victoria’s Secret model)
• The food-in-mouth photo (another guaranteed date repellent)
• The look-at-me-drinking-alcohol/partying photo (especially bad in bulk)
• The lying-in-bed “sexy” shot (unless you’re only seeking one-night stands or looking for creeps and predators)
• The bikini shot (see above)
• The kissing-another-girl photo (again, will only draw creeps)
• Pictures of you with other men, unless they are relatives and your captions say so
• Pictures of you with other women who are in better shape or cuter than you
• Pictures of you acting sexy with other women (unless you’re actually looking for a ménage a trois)
• Cheesy glamour shots with big hair and loud make-up
• Pictures of you doing anything rude, crude or stupid
• More than one picture of your pet(s)
• Pictures of your kid(s) – avoid this for safety reasons, too
• Pictures of you in a wedding dress, unless it’s from Halloween and you have a cleaver sticking out of your head. No, just skip the wedding dress.
• The I-just-gave-birth photo (man repellent for sure)
• Pictures with bad coloring or lighting issues (Try changing it to black and white if it’s otherwise a good picture.)
• Pictures that are more than a year old
• Pictures of random landscapes or objects that have no captions to explain their presence
• Scores of the dorky, posed “Look at me, I’m in a foreign country” shot (you’ll scare off any men that haven’t travelled as much)
• Grainy or pictures that require a microscope
• Anything a potential date has to squint at to figure out what you look like
• For safety – avoid photos that show information that makes you easy to find/stalk: last name, workplace, home address, license plate, school name (if you or your kids are still in school)

     Some of you will argue that the “sexy” or “party” photos get you more attention. While this may be true, it’s probably not going to be healthy attention that you get. There are plenty of creeps and future stalkers/sex offenders online, and those types of pictures will inevitably attract them and not so much the guys who are worth your time. So, even though those pictures of you with your boobs hanging out all over the place while you down the contents of a giant beer bong will get you plenty of dates, before you post those kinds of photos, consider whether you are seriously looking to meet a prince, or just hoping to kiss as many frogs as possible, charmed or not. Oh, and if a guy asks you for a photo like that, decline and move on. More than likely, he’s just looking to collect bed post notches and might leave you with a sweet little STD in the process.
       Do include pictures that reflect your personality and give viewers a good idea of what you look like. Here are some ideas:

• At least one nice headshot that isn’t overly posed
• Candid photos that depict you happy or having fun (without alcohol)
• Photos of you doing something you love to do
• Photos of something you actually enjoy that the guys all love, too, like attending a professional sport event, fishing, hunting (Just remember, he’ll expect you to do the same with him, so don’t fake it.)
• Photos should be at least 600×400 in size
• Keep the number of photos between 3 and 10 – any less gets limited response and any more makes you seem narcissistic
• At least one flattering full body shot, even if you’re a little overweight. Sure, you’ll be less likely to get responses from those shallow men who look like movie stars than if you don’t, but you’ll be more likely to get a call back if your date isn’t surprised by your body type when he finally meets you.

     All in all, if you’re truly looking to meet someone special and not just become another flavor of the week, your photos should be honest, clear visualizations of who you are, not how you want to be seen. You might end up with fewer responses, but do you really want to hear from tons of men who aren’t likely to turn out to be your Prince Charming? (Trust me, it’s just a waste of time.)  There is someone out there for you, and he’ll appreciate you for who you are and how you really look.

The Problem with Visible Ages

The whole concept of online dating seems a bit comedic to me given it appears to encourage people of all ages and genders to pursue an unattainable and likely non-existent concept of their perfect mate, thereby undermining any chances they might have at finding true happiness with someone who is actually right for them. For women my age, online dating can be either highly entertaining or extremely frustrating, depending on your attitude and point of view. (I lean toward finding it entertaining.) Most women in their 40’s really just want to meet a man their own age, within their own level of attraction, who shares similar beliefs and attitudes. It seems most men in their 40’s just want to meet women in their 20’s who love to laugh, travel and look like supermodels. The end result for us 40-something ladies is that we get a lot of messages from men who either look like our dads or could be our sons, but little in between and almost none we’d ever really seriously consider dating outside the digital world. Men our own age simply pass us by as “too old” even if we’re younger than they are. (This assumption is based on the fact that the average 45 year-old-man’s profile says he’s looking for someone 21-35.) My personal experience has been that there are very few men who do anything beyond looking at pictures and maybe age before clicking a thumbs up or flirt button, because 99% of those I receive have absolutely zero in common with me.
     I could be wrong, but I’m thinking if you’re between 35 and 45, chances are slim you’re going to meet a man who was born in the same timeframe that’s actually interested in meeting a woman his own age via online dating, simply because he can see the numbers. I have a much better chance of meeting a man born in the same decade as me if I’m out at a bar getting hit on by men who THINK I’m 32 but are too scared to ask. Of course, the down side of that is that the 20-somethings, who are severely inexperienced when it comes to estimating people’s ages, will hit on me, too, because they assume everyone in the bar who isn’t wrinkled and sporting grey hair is 21-30.
     So, if you think online dating is your only hope for meeting someone, be prepared to look at men who are at least 10 years older than you and possibly in need of pharmaceutical aid to keep up with you, especially if you’re over 35. If you’re like me and couldn’t convince yourself to date someone so far removed from your generational culture, don’t pay that fee online. I’m certainly glad I’m not the one who wasted money on my membership. Although I guess if I were just looking to hook up with a bunch of old men and pups, I’d be set.
     If only men would take my advice: Stop looking for women who could be your children. They’re only going to take your money and ditch you for someone their own age. Dating a 23 year-old will not make you look cool but will get you questions like, “Oh, how cute. Father-daughter dinner?” You will feel much older than you are when you realize you can’t keep up with her and will likely injure yourself trying to make sure you can. Why do this to yourself when there are scores of hot single women within 5 years of your age who would love to go out with you and aren’t just looking for a Daddy Warbucks?
     So, to sum this up: Men 40-49 seek women 21-35 and filter out everyone else. Women 21-35 seek men 21-35 unless the older man shows a six-figure income. Women 40-49 seek men 40-49 but never get a response from them. Men 21-35 seek women 21-121. (They don’t care as long as they "get some" or can profit from the relationship.) Men 50-100 seek women 18-45 and get rejected unless their income is over $150,000 AND they drive a really cool car. Women 45-121 might as well say yes to the men 21-35 or get a boob job and hit the bar scene. Don’t you just love online dating?

Rejecting the Crazies (How To)

I don’t know about the other services, but Match.com has some fairly strict processes you need to follow to ensure that it continues to make valid recommendations for you. One of those is using the “No Thanks” link instead of custom emailing a match you don’t intend to meet. Why? Because once you email someone, Match ASSUMES you’re interested in them and ignores any filters you may have previously set up that would apply to that person. (This is documented in the help section.)  For example, if you’re a non-smoker and strictly refuse to date even an occasional smoker, replying by email to a smoker will cause Match to ignore your smoking preferences.
     So here’s the interesting side effect of that paradigm.  Check out the thread from one temperamental frog who’s ego was clearly bruised by a formulaic rejection:

Hi from <City>
My name is <removed> and I too am <your age> and live in <your town>. You have me intrigued. My sense of humor is bigger than my ego and I want you to temper what you are about to read with that in mind…that’s your codex w/o which you’ll misinterpret me….

If I were a woman I probably would have written something fairly similar to what you wrote – part shield to pre-teens writing you with erections and part enticing to a more mature older guy with a big brain. If you are looking to interact with someone that does not want to jump into bed with you (immediately) and can match your intellect (or surpass it – hard to say from a profile) I might be worth responding to. I can not speak on whether you find me physically appealing, but most do. I am also an ex-professional athlete – a touche’ to your modeling career – LOL.

You are highly interesting to me. I hope that turns out to be mutual.

Signed, <Questionable Guy>

    Honestly, this message alone was probably enough to merit a “no thanks,” and my instincts were to not even look at the profile, but then this came:

Oh my

Well I took a power nap and reread my message and a fresher brain is a little sheepish for probably coming off like a pompous ass. I’m nice to a fault more than anything and new to this cyber dating nonsense. I’m earthy and I’m certain I did not come off that way.
I will say that it has been very hard to find someone inteligent to talk to. Man I miss intelligent conversation. I’m even starting to lol and lmao and rofl. What has the effing world come to? 

    Hmmm…Okay, read the profile. Nothing in common. He’s sedentary, I’m athletic. He’s agnostic, I’m Christian. He talks about being funny but there’s nothing humorous at all about his profile. There are several indicators that he may be slightly insecure and carry a chip on his shoulder. AND he’s clearly got a decent-sized belly. (I know I’m shallow, but decent abs are a must for me.)  I click “No thanks,” and move on to the next 30 or so messages, winks and likes I need to review. (I try to give them all a good look if they’re even close to my age preference, education level and not ugly, and that takes more time than I have most days.)  As I’m just about to shut down Outlook for the night, one last message comes in:

Hey

At the end of the of the day, I have no interest in someone who doesn’t have the courage to speak and hides behind a button. I’m sorry I misjudged you as a strong, intelligent woman and sorry for wasting our collective time.

     (Note the underlying need to appear to be the rejector instead of rejected.) Of course, insulting me is going to make me change my mind. To quote many idiotic but accurate 90’s characters: NOT! But, for the sake of the other women who are likely to encounter this guy, for once I decide to respond – something I probably should not have done, but too late to un-spill that milk.

Before I block you, just be aware that a lot of women on this service get hundreds of messages. No one has time to answer them all. AND this system modifies the selections it makes for you based on who you actually email vs. clicking “No thanks,” so you follow the process to avoid getting too many recommendations you’re going to decline.

Clearly you have some serious personal issues you need to work out with a temper like that. I made the right call saying no thanks. Go get yourself right before you try to date, and keep in mind if too many end up blocking you, they’ll kick you off, so try to be nice.

     Okay, that last sentence was a run-on, but I doubt he’ll notice since he’s likely seeing red and struggled with spelling “intelligent” correctly earlier on. Fortunately, he won’t be able to tell me about it because I immediately clicked “Block from contact.”
     The take-away here is that you shouldn’t worry about what the rejected person is going to think when you click “No thanks” or whatever decline option your service offers you. If he’s got ego problems like this one clearly had, he’s going to get angry no matter what you say or do. So stick with the process – use the tools you’re given and stay safe and sane. If the guy (or gal) is rude, block that person from contacting you and report them if they seem dangerous.  There’s “you bruised my ego” rude like this guy, then there’s just plain crazy. Your instincts should inform you as to which is which. A minor under-handed insult like his will hurt no one, but if he threatens you or continues to harass you, do everyone else a service and report the nut job before he actually manages to hurt someone.
     Also, don’t do like I did in this case and engage someone who baits you in a conversation. I’ve gotten plenty of messages that were like this or worse as a result of saying “no.” (One retorted with a "and you call yourself slim" despite having sent me several messages extolling my beauty prior to my canned rejection.) I report them when it makes sense, block anyone who acts like that, and then delete their email. Keep in mind that any person who is rude to strangers isn’t worth your time.  Count your blessings you didn’t accept a date with him, then move on.
     Finally – listen to your gut when it comes to meeting men online. I made the mistake of convincing myself that one of them was okay despite my gut telling me otherwise.  We’ll just call him “Scary Stalker Guy.” Enough said.

Why Cohabitation is for Fools

I know, it's old fashioned to talk the "M" word these days.  (That's marriage, for you who fear it so much as to have forgotten it.) However, I can tell you with 100% certainty that if you have an income and a date that wants to combine homes without a legal commitment, you should run very, very far in the other direction.
      My ex was one of those people. He actually talked about marriage a lot, but it somehow only coincided with conversations that involved adding his name to my credit card or bank account, or letting him move into my apartment. Before I knew it, there still was no promised ring but he was inextricably ingrained into my financial life without one iota of legal protection. (Hint: marriage provides that protection.)
     You see, for a guy like my ex, cohabitation provides the excuse to combine finances, which normally means adding him to yours, sharing expenses (on your utility accounts) and assets, without any real legal method to remove him nor ensure he pays his share. You see, if you get married in most states, and the relationship falls apart, you generally are guaranteed to either leave with what you contributed or split it down the middle. If you aren't married but have combined assets, he can wipe you clean and continue to do so until you manage to convince a civil court to separate your finances. By then, you'll more than likely have accumulated a substantial amount of debt with no recourse to force him to pay his share. In fact, if you're sharing a home and/or financial accounts and aren't married, it will likely take anywhere from 6 to 24 months to see a dime of what you've lost in that situation.
     Of course, this avoidance of legal commitment to a relationship isn't exclusive to men. Whether you're male or female, you need to keep your eyes open before leaping into shared living arrangements.  (I know, I know. You're moving in together because you're so in love and you'll never break up. If that's the case, there's no reason you shouldn't head to the local Justice of the Peace and make it all official. If you're S.O. freaks at the suggestion, your con artist antennae should pop out to full attention.) 
     Smart singles, here are the top things you need to watch out for, and what you should do:

1. You've got a killer pad you worked hard to pay for and your S.O. thinks it would be a grand idea to just add him/her to the title or lease. Guess what? If you bought that condo or house and put your S.O.'s name on the title, you're going to have to buy him or her out in the event of the break-up. (Not much different than marriage.) Your S.O. can also effectively lock you out of your hard-earned abode in many states simply by filing a restraining order against you, and you'll have to go to civil court to resolve the matter. (Not like marriage.) If you're just renting or have bought your home, your S.O. is also free to walk out with every single item in that place with little to no legal recourse. IF you are silly enough to agree to live with someone without getting married first, at least document everything you purchased prior to moving in together and, as unromantic as it may seem, draw up a contract outlining how you'll divide property and equity in the event of a break-up. If your S.O. refuses to the agreement, DON'T let him move in!
2. Your sweetheart, in the interest of making life easier, suggests you add him/her to your accounts. Duh. NEVER add anyone to your bank account or credit cards prior to a marriage certificate. Many financial institutions require the other person remove himself or herself from your account, (which will never happen), and there is nothing to keep him or her from continuing to use that account following a break-up, nor from emptying it completely, or maxing out your credit, prior to moving out. Since your name is the primary, you're legally obligated to pay off those cards your sweetie maxed out. If it's your bank account and s/he runs off with your life savings, you have NO recourse because, by adding him or her as a signatory, you've given full permission to remove as much money as s/he pleases with or without your permission. However, if you're married, your ex will normally be forced via the process of divorce to repay half of what was in the account or charged to the card as of the date you separated. Big difference!
3. NEVER co-sign a loan for your S.O. If s/he wants to buy something large (like a car, boat, condo, etc.) or pay for school and you're not married, you could be stuck paying that bill long after your S.O. has jumped ship, and it WILL land on your credit if you don't. Again, you've got no legal recourse if you're not married. Marriage will at least force an equitable split of any debt and assets, allowing you to keep your ex's creditors off your back.
4. Your S.O. thinks it would make sense to give him or her permission to pick up your kids from their school or daycare. No matter how long you've been dating, if your kids' real parents are both still alive and in the area, your S.O. should only have this kind of access if you are married. No matter how in love you are at the moment, 1) kids should never be introduced to a date you don't plan to marry near-term, (it's too hard on them if the relationship doesn't work out) and 2) their safety and security should always be a higher priority than your love life.
5. Your S.O. wants to live together, but not get married, because s/he has fallen on hard times, was recently kicked out by a prior love, or is just perennially unemployed. If you really have to think this one through, well...

     I know it sucks to have to look at things this way, but the reality is that a person who isn't willing to marry you either isn't that invested in the relationship, is the type always looking for greener pastures, or is a common con artist. Such a lack of commitment is a cold, hard guarantee the relationship will fail sooner than later.  If he or she is more than six or seven years your junior, significantly more attractive than you are, or makes a lot less money than you, (or none at all), it's probably best to view that relationship for what it likely is: a great financial arrangement with no strings for your S.O. Just ask my ex's last rich, much older girlfriend. I'm pretty sure that little mistake cost her well into the six-figures. Sometimes the heart is blinder than a naked mole rat in a bottomless pit. (The mole rat at least has a better sense of smell.)
     If only I'd listened to people smarter than me, I'd still have most of my stock options and life savings. Yep - he cleaned me out and latched onto the next desperate, rich old widow he could find.

Women - Writing an Awesome Profile

Ladies, it’s tough getting a guy's attention online. We all know they’re going to click first on those profiles with a primary picture that reminds them of their favorite supermodel. Unfortunately, most of us over 30 don’t look like supermodels, which means the men our age are going to spend an inordinate amount of time getting rejected by gorgeous 20-somethings who are completely out of their league before they get around to reading our profiles.
     But it will happen eventually. Once they get over the fantasy that paying for a membership in an online dating service will win them a date with someone named Bundchen, most men will start looking at us normal ladies more seriously. And that’s where your profile becomes critical. So how do you get their attention?
     First of all, you need to be you. Don’t try to write a profile you think men will like. Instead, write a profile that reflects who you really are. Believe it or not, there will likely be someone out there it strikes a chord with. If you don’t like football, don’t pretend that you do. (In that case, don’t go searching for men who are obsessed with the sport, either, since that’s a recipe for disaster.) Just like us, most men, after they get over the “ooo, pretty” phase, are looking for someone who is genuine and with whom they feel a real connection.
     Leave out the negatives. Women who talk about their terrible exes are significantly less likely to get a response than those who save that conversation for offline. WAY after the first date. Or second, third, fourth... You really don’t need to share your sad stories about failed relationships unless your date brings it up. Then, you keep it short, sweet and light. Don’t talk about your health or family issues, either, unless it’s something your potential date absolutely must know. (I.e. Being wheelchair bound will affect a relationship, recovering from recent bunion surgery will not. Absolutely NO ONE needs to know you’re feeling better after that hemorrhoid procedure.)
     Keep it positive. For example: “I hate cowards,” comes across much better this way: “I love a man who is brave.” Instead of “Men who watch too many NBA games on TV suck,” try “I’m impressed by a guy who can take time out during basketball season to spend doing fun things with me.”  Okay, and if you do happen to love sports, you’ll have the best luck by saying “The Stars are my favorite NHL team. I never miss a game during hockey season,” rather than “Football fans are meatheads, bring on the NHL!”
     The majority of your profile should be about you, not about what or who you’re looking to meet. You’re most likely going to have just 500-800 words to describe yourself, so make the most of it. Tell a story. Make it interesting. Give the guys a reason to think “I have got to meet her!” Trust me, “I’m down to earth and like to cook and clean” isn’t likely to pique their interest. Unless they’re looking for a maid. Talk about your accomplishments but don’t brag. Be careful not to come across as a snob or a doormat.
     Watch out for over-used phrases and descriptions. “I love to laugh and have fun” appears in a large percentage of profiles. While it’s a safe bet, it’s also unoriginal and likely to get you passed over. Other words to avoid: “sweet,” “simple,” “grounded,” “housewife.” Translated: boring. Unless you have no pictures or need to explain something based on frequent feedback, you don’t need to talk about your physical appearance. Saying “I’m an attractive blond” is kind of silly when you’ve posted photos that confirm or deny that.  It is also futile to say “people tell me I’m pretty.” Definitely avoid talking about cup sizes, surgical enhancements or physical flaws as well.
     No bragging.  Men really hate to hear about how many other men are interested in you. While you may think it makes you sound desirable, it really just makes you sound conceited, so leave it out. “I get hit on all the time in bars” is a big turn off. (It should never come up in conversation, either, whether written or in person.) Sharing how you dated the defensive line of the local pro football team isn’t going to buy you any points, either.
     Finally, make sure your spelling and grammar are correct.  Don’t speak in “text” language, with the exception of using LOL, ROFL, or LMAO. (For some reason, those text phrases seem to increase responses.)  If you’re going to use an emoticon in your profile, go with “;-)” or “:-P.” The two-character emoticon tends to reduce response rates according to recent studies. Excessive use of emoticons will also turn men away. Try to keep it to one or two so you don’t look like you’re constantly laughing at your own jokes.
     Of course, you should talk a LITTLE bit about who you’re looking to meet. Avoid being too specific as it will cause many men you might actually like to rule themselves out. Here you also want to be original and maybe a little bit funny if that’s your nature. “Looking to meet a stable, loving, Christian man who wants a family” is extremely over-used. I once started a profile with “Seeking underwear model who is intelligent but dumber than me” and got tons of responses because it made it obvious I have a sense of humor. (Don’t steal this – it’s MINE!) If you’ve written a good profile, most men will be smart enough to figure out what’s important to you and whether or not they’re a possible match before they ever get to the couple of lines about who you’d like to meet. Oh, and stating what’s a no-go will probably backfire. I said “no cowboys” in my profile and immediately nearly every guy in a 10-gallon hat within a hundred miles messaged me about how they were different from other cowboys, or were country but not redneck. (I really just can’t stand country music, cowboy attire and pick-up trucks, so it didn’t really matter to me – I’m not dating a cowboy…EVER.) I digress. Again, just keep it positive, not too specific, but focus on basic must haves: educated (or not), likes to travel or prefers to stay home, funny vs. serious, superhero or villain. Give them an idea, but also give them a chance.

Tip: If you do happen to be supermodel gorgeous, it really won’t matter what your profile says. Almost every man online will click “like” when he sees your picture, then invite you to dinner. In that case, it’s okay to just list who you plan to reject. No one's going to read it anyway.

Bad Dates: The Grifter

We've all met them - the smooth-talking guy with the sad story who always seems to say just the right thing. He has an answer for everything, and it's usually one that tugs at the soft strings that bind a woman's heart.
   What really sucks is that these guys are usually amazingly attractive. They come across as deeply caring and can be incredibly romantic while they're trying to lure you in.
    My ex was a real ace at wriggling his way in. He watched classic musicals on TV and made me intricate valentine's cards with his own hands. He could charm a free beverage out of a chain restaurant manager and talk his way to the front of the line almost anywhere. He made friends easily and was inevitably the life of the party.
    Yet with all his charm and charisma, he couldn't hold down a job. He rarely paid his own bills and was quick with a believable excuse that had others falling over themselves to help him. Alarm bells should've rang out loud and clear when he started to wriggle his way into my home and financial accounts with little contribution in return. But these types of sociopaths are amazingly charming, and mine was no exception.
    The downside of dating a grifter is that you are never going to be the most important thing to him. He'll make you think you are, but there are always little hints, little signs, that his needs and his comforts are the only things that matter.
    Cut a grifter off financially and you can be assured he will have another sucker to finance his high class lifestyle lined up within days, that is, if he wasn't taking advantage of several women already.
    So, how can you tell if your date is a sociopath before you lose any cash to his charms? Here are a few common signs:

• He shares his sad story about the great misfortune he's recently experienced by the second date, especially around about that time the check shows up.
• He's never had a steady job or seems to have survived off the kindness of others for an extended period of time.
• Early on, he throws money around like it's nothing, but the well quickly runs dry due to some misfortune to which he has fallen victim, or he frequently loses his wallet when the bill arrives.
• Terrible things regularly happen to him at the hands of others. Nothing is ever his fault.
• None of his stories ever seem to make complete sense. (For example, he's a special forces operative but never served in the military. His ex-wife inexplicably threw him out and refuses to let him see the kids even though he is a great father. He's a VP at his company but never has any money to show for it. He's got an amazing mansion, but it's undergoing renovations so you can't see it. His good car is in the shop.)
• His ex-girlfriends (or wife/wives) are daytime talk show angry or bitter, or he does everything in his power to ensure you never cross paths.
• He oozes charm like a gulf oil spill but only uses it for his own benefit, never for anyone else.
• He goes out of his way to impress others but shows no interest in learning more about anyone else around him.
• He talks very early in the relationship about moving in with you and/or combining finances. Of course, when combining your bank accounts, only yours will pick up a second signatory.
• You start to feel guilty if you don't help him out or do what he wants and can't figure out why.
• He angers easily if someone disagrees with him and shows no remorse if he overreacts.
• He may find humor in others' misfortune or pain.
• He gets mad or lets you know what an idiot you are for helping that poor homeless person you just passed on the street.
• Basically, he's the kind of guy who wouldn't think twice about taking cash from your wallet on a second date then make you feel like it was your fault for leaving your purse out in the open. In fact, he might even convince you he was doing you a favor by teaching you a lesson.

If you meet this guy, run as fast as you can to the nearest exit. Otherwise, you will likely end up penniless and saddled with the costly remains of his grandiose lifestyle without any of the benefits. Come to think of it, the minute your guy starts telling you about how bad his last girlfriend/wife treated him and how he's down on his luck, hit the eject button. Even if he isn't a sociopath, he's not exactly a great catch. Normal guys keep the bad stuff to themselves during the early part of a relationship and only let their date pick up part of the check if she absolutely insists.

Guys: Getting a Yes

I always find it highly amusing that online men frequently open with the line: "You're gorgeous. We should get together for dinner & drinks." More often than not, the men digitally uttering this line are definitely not gorgeous, and they make no attempt whatsoever to win my favor by selling themselves. They skip any getting-to-know-you chit chat and go right for "dinner & drinks." Translated, "I think you're hot, probably not very bright, and I expect to get you drunk enough to sleep with me."
     Guys, if you're serious enough about finding a woman that you're willing to pay an online service for the privilege of being able to email potential dates, you might want to put a little more effort into your "game." Anyone with the ability to read at a first grade level nowadays knows women want, no, need to be romanced. We don't want to hear about what you expect in a future match but nothing about why we should be interested in you. At least pretend what we want counts by making an effort to sell yourself a little bit.
     We also want to hear the truth. Saying you're an "entrepreneur" and posting no income not only screams dishonesty, it paints you as slightly delusional. (Especially when paired with a self-ascribed body type of "athletic and toned" when your head shot resembles a Halloween pumpkin.) I think the very existence of men like Chris Hemsworth who, let's face it, for all intents and purposes appears to be pretty damn close to perfect, has conditioned normal men to believe they have to be more than what they are to find love. Of course, then there's the annual SI swimsuit issue that stimulates the belief that for a woman to be eligible she must be built like a human fashion doll. (Tip: those girls' bodies do not occur in nature and typically require trading bone for silicon. They are also completely unavailable to anyone who cannot afford to drive a hand-built Italian sports car.)
     The truth is, all you need to be is yourself. The real you. Expose that in your profile and you're halfway to meeting a wonderful woman who will love you for all that you are. Unless the real you is a freak, predator or criminal, in which case you really shouldn't be seeking a friend online until you get that little problem worked out.
     I'll be honest, most of the profiles I read online for the men in my age range make me go, "meh." It's easy to tell right away why they're still single. (Here's a good real-world example: "Ladies...i like narrow hips." Good luck with that!) The ones that really grab my attention are devoid of the standard fluff that men believe will attract women. (Yes, that's the cute puppy pictures, motorcycle shots and "I love kids" or "look how awesome and well-traveled I am.") Normally they're thoughtful and funny without being overtly sexy, shallow or narcissistic. Frankly, I'd rather hear that you're secretly an awesome gardener and love action movies than read yet another mundane diatribe about the cool places you like to travel and the fine wines you drink. (Again, not really believable when paired with pictures of you in camo or fishing gear holding up a dead animal.) I definitely DON'T want to hear about what was wrong with the last 20 women you dated, or 1 or 2 you married. (If the number is higher than 2, again, seek help before seeking the next ex-Mrs. You.) Here's an example of a clear tip-off regarding your unresolved issues, courtesy of narrow hips guy: "Looking for a petite or fit female that is not short tempered and does not like being the center of attention in groups or crowds. Takes care of her body and is easy going. Open communication and is easy going." So, what you're saying is that, after squeezing out 3 kids for you, your ex's hips got too wide and you hated that other people paid attention to her in a crowd. She obviously didn't want to hear about your shallow, control freak attitude toward her and rebelled. AND you're still thinking SHE was the problem.
     Before you hit submit on that online "about me," make sure you read it carefully. Does it reflect who you really are? Does it come across as elitest, angry, bitter or boring? (Hint, if the word combo "laid-back" appears anywhere in the first 500 words, boring applies.) Does it paint you as a TV-loving couch potato with no ambition and no career? Could you possibly be describing yourself as a creep in your attempt to come across as sexy? If you're having trouble deciding, imagine you're reading a woman's profile. Would you want to date the girl it describes?
     Be careful your profile doesn't rule out a potential match with superficial requirements like "beautiful," "blond," "narrow hips" or an age range inappropriate for your own. (If you're looking for women who were in elementary school when you graduated, you're WAY out of your age range. Plus or minus 7 years is appropriate from a psychological compatibility perspective.) Post pictures that are an accurate description of you and you will surely attract more than one woman who fits into YOUR range of attraction. Sorry ugly or overweight hopefuls - women who are substantially prettier than you will not likely respond no matter what you say to them. Get over it and start looking for someone who actually looks compatible standing next to you. Just because Mick Jagger dated super-models doesn't mean you will have the same kind of luck. I'm pretty sure his fame and fat bank account helped him out substantially. And if your search method exclusively involves clicking through pictures and emailing the pretty ones, remember this - beauty ALWAYS fades and is rarely an indication of personality compatibility.
     Finally, make sure you read a woman's profile before you contact her. Simply liking the picture of an attractive woman (assuming you're not Chris Hemsworth) is virtually a guaranteed rejection. Women over the age of 25 want to be noticed for who they are more than what they look like, regardless of how they actually look. (Even the gorgeous ones.) Women under 25 are not really interested in anyone over 30 unless they happen to be rich beyond imagination and there's no way that relationship will last beyond the depths of a shared bank account.
     Ah, I almost forgot: in the end, you need to stand out from the other fifty guys who emailed the pretty woman that same day. Here's the secret, make a connection to her profile. "Hey, I see you love independent films. Me, too. You ever attend the local festival?" That works so much more effectively than, "Wow, you're pretty!" "Hi beautiful" or my absolute favorite, "Hey there, sexy!" Oh, and don't freak out and fire back with a snarky remark if she says "no thank you." It will just land you on the "hidden profile" list. Count your lucky stars you didn't get stuck paying for dinner and drinks with someone who was never interested in you and move on. Online or in person, dating is still a game of numbers and chemistry. You just have to keep trying until you find that special one.

I'd Date More if My Clothes Weren't Handwash-Only

When you’re over 30 and single, it seems like life becomes a recurring snippet of Bridget Jones’ Diary, sans the two hot men locked in a comedic epic battle for your affections. (We could all only be so lucky.)  Every social interaction includes some happily married person asking “why aren’t you dating anyone?” The reality for us single moms is, there are more chores to be done than time. And since my ex’s 2013 New Year’s resolution was clearly to stop paying child support, maid and nanny services just aren’t a possibility.
     Yeah, yeah. I hear “you have to make you a priority” all the time. Wow, that sounds great! Want to babysit so I can go troll happy hours or accept a date from one of the many hideous weirdos offering to be my prince on Match.com? No? Really. Okay. Well, I’ll make me a priority as soon as my daughter turns 16 and starts driving herself to her extracurricular activities every day. Maybe by then, she’ll actually help with the dishes in a meaningful way, too.
    To some degree, online dating is a blessing as much as a curse for people like me. Yes, it cuts down significantly on the amount of time you have to invest away from your chores and kids in order to meet someone you might actually like. The only problem is, like many single moms, I only get two free nights a month to myself, if that. By the time they roll around, (assuming my ex actually shows up for his designated visit times), I’ve either got too much work to catch up on or am too exhausted to go out. But, I have resolved to put more effort into it for 2016, if that counts for anything with those married friends and family so traumatized by my independent state. I solemnly swear I will accept at least one date per month if any of the men who ask seem sane and resemble a decade-older version of Armie Hammer or any of the hot 30-something blue-eyed actors named Chris. Okay, okay, I’ll leave the celebrity resemblances requirement off.
     Resolutions aside, the universe seems to be screaming, “Hey, you’ve had your shot. Let the childless women do the dating now. Get back to work!” No matter how hard I try to make time for myself, fate intervenes. The kid gets sick. The dog eats a poisonous plant and gets sick. All over the floor. I get a flat tire. I get sick. (Probably thanks to the kid.) There’s an emergency deadline at work. My boss gets sick. (Meaning more work for me.) I hurt myself. The toilet leaks. School holiday. Ex gets “sick” (i.e. goes to Florida) and cancels weekend possession. Again. Homework includes a weekend project…that requires shopping for special supplies.  Mini fridge dies and requires sanitization. HOA is upset that the lawn guy skipped a week due to rain. Oh, and paint that trim 40 feet up that no one can see unless they’re standing in your driveway.  There’s just never enough time in the day. What’s a single girl to do?
     Yes, Mom, I will try to find you a new son-in-law, I swear. Getting right on top of finding that neurosurgeon who looks like Troy Aikman (ack!) you dreamed I'd marry. Just as soon as I get done washing the six loads of hand-wash/line-dry-only clothes piled up in the hallway. I should be done by November.
    Leave a comment if you’ve got a creative solution that doesn’t involve armies of maids and a full-time nanny.

The Dog that Caught the Car

Not so long ago, I let a younger co-worker (late 20's) talk me into hanging at a local hotspot with him on a Friday night. Most of the crowd was in their twenties, maybe a few in their early 30's, but almost no one near my age who wasn't part of an obvious group of co-workers. About 9 PM, HE sashays in. You know - that guy in the over-priced designer suit who's clearly over 45 but on the prowl for a little young bauble to drape over his arm. It was the most entertaining thing I saw all night. For hours, girl after spandex-clad-20-something girl fled from him, (some AFTER receiving a free drink), yet he continued to circulate the club targeting only the youngest, most fit ladies in the building. By the time I bailed out on my co-worker (around midnight), Delusional Daddy had become the joke of the night. "Was that normal?" I had to ask my friend at one point. Apparently it was.

This travesty of dating failure is not exclusive to bars. If you join any online dating service that lets you specify an age range, a large number of the men over 40 will list their desired future date as being under 35 (or their age minus 10+ years). Naturally, unless those men happen to own their own island or jet, they rarely succeed in finding a woman under 30 willing to go out with them, though they never seem to give up that dream.

The wonderful thing about the internet is how easy it is to find evidence of what happens when that midlife dog finally catches his shiny new little sports car. Chat rooms, blogs, forums; they're full of 20-something ladies bragging about duping "old men" out of their money, getting bored, and moving on. Quite often, those younger ladies are dating a man over 40 for his money and seeing a younger guy they're actually attracted to on the side. Sometimes even living with their younger boyfriend, who is either unaware of the scheme or in on it. These girls, (and yes, they're just girls), make no bones about laughing at their older dates in a public forum, knowing they've got the cover of internet anonymity to protect them and their revenue stream.

On occasion, I'll see a younger woman post how sad she is to break up with her 40+ beau because he just can't keep up and the physical side of the relationship is unsatisfactory. Normally, the lucky guy has no idea he's about to get dumped and may even believe he is keeping up with his younger gal. (Sorry, the little blue pills just don't up the energy level where it needs to be.) What's even sadder is she's rarely lamenting the loss of his company. Instead she'll say something like, "Sad - he was kind of hot for an older guy."

What you rarely, and I mean RARELY see, is a younger woman talking about seeking an older man for a lasting relationship. Women in their twenties will openly admit that the few amongst their friends who are attracted to older men generally have some pretty severe daddy issues, which opens a whole new can of worms.

While it is true that during our twenties, we women often are attracted to men who are a few years older than we are, it's more because most men under 25 are still functioning on incomplete frontal lobes, and it's obvious. However, as we approach thirty, the age range of men we're attracted to tends to narrow to within a few years of our own age. Why? This is mainly because we have more in common with men who attended high school and college in the same time frame and because physiologically we're more compatible. There is also a lot to be said for life stages, too. After thirty, unmarried women will generally hear that biological clock ticking and want to settle down with someone who has a decent career and a desire to start a family, too. If that guy has waited past 40 to start a family, there's always that question in the back of the younger woman's mind as to why. The answer we tend to form ourselves is normally along the lines of "commitment issues" or "loser."

Of course, the great thing about specified age ranges in online dating services is it lets a woman know up front that a guy has issues. If you're over 40 and only interested in women who are younger than you, chances are we want to avoid you like the plague because you're either exceedingly shallow or a control freak looking for a kid to push around rather than a partner for life. Thanks for the warning!

For you guys who actually want to meet a life partner, try seeking someone within 5-7 years of your own age. That's younger AND older. While men mature faster than women up until the age of 30, we tend to level out after 35, when having a life history and life stage in common become bigger factors in the future success of our relationships. And for you 40+ men who THINK you're keeping up with a that 25-year-old: put a chain on your wallet and stop popping the blue pills. You're going to give yourself a heart attack and she's still going to laugh at you with her friends when you're not around. And yes, she is the car and you are the dog, and we all know how that usually works out.

Spots & Stripes

One of my favorite moments in a cheesy movie is when Beatrice Stanhope gives George the stripes and spots speech in "George of the Jungle." (Yes, I freely admit I own it on DVD.) It's a classic moment, especially when it comes to the handling of meat in the scene.

I've often flip-flopped on who I might side with should I have been caught in the middle of that conversation. On one hand, almost every fairy tale out there tells the story of someone of humble origins falling in love with a prince or princess and marrying "up." The newly anointed royalty seal their storybook ending with a kiss and ride off into the sunset. (Or maybe that's just westerns. I digress.)

Can this really work, though? Can two people from such completely different worlds REALLY survive as a couple?

I guess it depends on how deep those differences really go. A once-poor girl (or boy), with the right manners and education, can often acclimate to the "upper class" quite well. And maybe she will actually feel like she belongs. Or maybe she'll always feel like she's living on another planet, never quite at home. I should know - I'm one of those once-poor girls. (Most of the time, I feel like I'm sandwiched between Thurston Howell the Third and the Dukes of Hazzard.)

What rarely works out is when the worlds two people currently live in seem to orbit different suns.

Despite my humble beginnings, I'm educated, well-raised and well-mannered. Thanks to those beginnings, I'm a quality over quantity kind of person. A little bit of spots, a little bit of stripes. (I might actually be a Dr. Suess character. Digressing again.) The world I live in is upper-middle-class America. My neighbors drive German cars and we all own houses big enough that my childhood home would fit into the bottom quarter of them. Our kids often have private coaches and attend the kind of schools where the majority of the students show up in designer clothes and $200 boots. (Exercising a modicum of sanity, I do NOT let my kid wear shoes that cost more than an average phone bill.) The breadwinners in my neighborhood work insane hours and the interior of every home is beautifully appointed. Parties are generally tame affairs replete with expensive wines and foreign cheeses. Little girls' birthday parties involve mani- pedi's and 4-figure decorations.

Thanks to the magic of online dating, I frequently hear from men still living back in that "humble" part of the world. They hunt, fish and drink cheap beer for fun. They drive pick-up trucks with giant wheels and live in houses that can be hooked up to the backs of those trucks and moved at any time. Their education rarely exceeds the twelfth grade. Their greeting usually involves the line "You're so purty." (Okay, most of the time they spell it right but the accent is implied by the cowboy hat, pointy-toed boots and camo pants.)

The reason I generally tell them "no thanks" is not because their home has metal sides or their clothes came from the same store where they picked up toilet paper and motor oil. I say it because we speak completely different languages. Frankly, I don't understand half of what their online profiles are trying to convey. I don't see anything we have in common, either. While I am by no means a snob, I'd stick out like a sore thumb at a fishing tournament. I'd also be bored out of my mind.

On the flip side, I don't see a guy who enjoys spending his time watching Nascar races and bass fishing on TV between trailer BBQs and country music festivals feeling super comfortable at a black-tie charity gala or even my company's holiday formal in the snooty part of town. We probably wouldn't have much to talk about, either, given my version of a political discussion involves a deep understanding of macro-economics and geo-political science rather than the traditional "Rep-tard" vs. "Dummycrats" discussions that seem to incomprehensibly find their way onto social media threads I follow.

Does that mean there are no men outside my educated suburban lifestyle that might be interesting or enlightening? No. But it does mean that sometimes there's a canyon between worlds that can be extraordinarily difficult to cross, only to find a pile of dirt on the other side.

So, I don't know if I'm a stripe or a spot, but I do know that regardless of which species I belong to, it does little good to intermingle if we have absolutely nothing in common. We might be able to overcome a fine wine vs. domestic beer disagreement, but a lack of commonality across the board is likely too much to combat simply because that girl in the spots looks awfully purty in them. Gentlemen, rather than feeling offended I passed you by because your education and social circle don't match up to mine, thank your lucky stars I said no and you didn't need to carry a dictionary to converse with me. (I will do the same.) If you want to be successful with online dating, take a moment to read a profile. If you don't get more than 50% of what the writer is talking about, move on. I assure you, there are plenty of lovely ladies out there who would really enjoy huntin' and fishin' with you.

My Dear Married Friends

I realize I am 45 years old and single. Trust me, this is for the better given my ex spent most of his time and money snorting and shooting mind-altering chemicals. My being single is not a precursor to a plague that will wipe out the lovely, Mayberry-like appeal of our neighborhood. You will not catch it by hanging out with me and I promise, I am not interested in your husbands. (You've already damaged them enough to ensure a long happy marriage. But I love ya anyway!)

So why, oh why, must you continually advise me that my current state of singleness is an unhealthy condition that requires rapid repair? Yes, I actually look at that dating service you signed me up for last year on occasion. I let it expire, but the weirdos have not gone away. No, there really don't seem to be any eligible bachelors online looking to meet a woman my age. Sure, I got plenty of offers for dates (and other unmentionable activities), but the majority of the men were at least 10 years my senior or junior and the remainder were simply insane.

 

Really, it's okay to be single. It's okay to only date when I meet someone worthy of paying a sitter double the going rate to watch my hyper-active child. But most of all, it's okay for you to continue to include me in your lives even if I don't have a man attached to mine. I'm still the same person I was when I wasn't single, only without the giant boil attached to my life that made me miserable enough to want to flee to another country.

 

Sure, if you can find someone who still has his hair and teeth, isn't built like a keg or a marshmallow, has an IQ over 130 and is devoid of a criminal record, hidden wife and mental illness, you are welcome to show me a picture and attempt to arrange a meeting. But PLEASE, give me the opportunity to yay or nay before you invite your nerdy bald friend with a Napoleon complex to our next holiday get-together in the hopes of yanking me out of my happy single reverie. Call me shallow, but you will never be able to call me desperate. Being over 40 and single isn't a disease, and I don't need to be cured unless that cure is actually someone worthy of my time.

 

If you insist upon helping me with my single situation, then keep your eyes peeled for a 40-something version of a blue-eyed movie star named Chris sans the ego and penchant for saline-inflated body enhancements. That, or feel free to pitch in for a pair of those enhancements and a trip to Dr. DeWrinkle so I've got a shot at meeting someone my own age. Until you find him, let's focus on something, anything other than my dating life. Okay?

Analysis Paralysis - Dating Research vs. Online Creeping

The last time I was a part of the single and dating world, “dating services” consisted of a handful of local companies that charged you the price of a used car to record a bad video tape and let you wade aimlessly through volumes of very basic printed profiles and photos to decide if you wanted to see the video. (These so-called “profiles” shared little more than age, race, level of education and career.) If you liked a video, they let you leave a note for the potential match which may or may not get answered. I know this because I worked for one of those services and felt pity for the poor schmucks who signed up for it and had to watch hours of video if they wanted to find a decent match.
However, for those who participated in the service, dating was a lot like it was for those of us who met the traditional way – in a bar. You saw someone you liked, if they liked you back, you exchanged numbers or agreed to meet somewhere for lunch or dinner to figure out if you still liked each other without the beer goggles on.  If that went well, you went on a “real date,” maybe more. Either way, you actually communicated before you started going out.

Thanks to the internet, the process has become accelerated and hyper-analytical. The rules have truly changed. First of all, there’s the initial showing of interest. In a bar, you’d lock eyes with someone you wanted to meet, maybe even smiled at him or her. If they found you attractive, you talked. If you didn’t click, one of you said, “Well, it was nice talking to you,” and you moved on. If you liked each other, see previous paragraph. If you met someone through some other normal means, like work, church, school…you often got to know each other through repeated social interaction, building a non-romantic relationship before mutually deciding to take it further.

With online dating, you look at a picture. If you like it, you look at more pictures, read a profile and maybe watch a video. You see height, weight, job, salary, general location, preferences, education, last time they pooped…Okay, maybe not that much – but it’s a lot of information before you even decide if you want to talk to someone. You have no idea if they’re talented, have an outstanding sense of humor or amazing intellect before you yay or nay them the majority of the time. There is no opportunity to win someone over with your rapier wit. It’s almost like buying a car, without the fun of all the test drives. And I’m betting most miss out on meeting some great people just because their profile picture isn’t very good.

IF you and your potential match happen to manage to get past that first phase of extreme analysis, most seem to want to skip past the harmless getting to know you over a non-threatening  coffee or lunch initial meeting and go straight to a first date. I can’t tell you how many times the first message I get from a potential connection contains a phone number and an invitation to, you guessed it, dinner and drinks.  No, “Hi, how are you? I found xyz interesting about you. What’s your favorite color?”  (My first instinct is normally, no thanks, you’re not serious about getting to know me.) Sadly, there seems to be a higher expectation to go straight from the first date to getting physical, which probably explains the “and drinks” that seems mandatory with most first date suggestions.

The mystery is all gone, replaced by research and analysis. It seems almost acceptable for your digital matches to research you online before and after that first date. After all, why bother getting to know someone by actually spending time with them when you can just type her name into a search engine?
Because it’s creepy, that’s why. While I fully advocate running the background check to uncover criminal records, predator registrations and hidden spouses before sharing your home address and personal information with your new date; digging into someone’s digital background before you’ve built any kind of rapport can induce a solid case of the heebie-jeebies. Not to mention border on an illegal invasion of privacy, depending on how far you take it.

So, when should you check out your date’s online history? I’d say about that point you decide to start meeting out of the safety of the public eye, but certainly not before you’ve been out on at least two or three dates.  Let’s make it clear: if you don’t trust the person enough to tell him or her you’d like to check out their background before you give out your home address, you probably shouldn’t be dating. Basic courtesy and a need to avoid looking like a stalker both dictate you ask permission before you Google your date’s name. Besides, if your date has nothing to hide, they’ll likely be happy to share with you enough personal info to ensure the results you get back are for the right person.  (Let’s face it, there are a LOT of John and Jane Smith’s out there.) And if you’re asking too soon, they’ll let you know. If they freak out when you ask, they probably have something to hide. If you find something that raises an eyebrow, talk to your date about it. (Unless he shows up on the registered offender’s list, in which case you should stop communications entirely if you know what’s good for you.)

Here’s another tip: don’t stalk your match’s profile. Most online services let people know who’s looking at their profile. If you check a potential date’s page more than once or twice after you start chatting, it will start to feel like stalking and may cost you a date. Once you’ve started emailing or IM’ing, set yourself up a bookmark or save your last message so you don’t have to view the profile each time you start a conversation. That will help keep you from looking like a weirdo. There is a very fine line between appearing interested and obsession.

Now, sometimes the online service can work against you in this department.  There are a couple of interesting gentlemen who, for some unknown reason, Match.com wants to place in my matches way more often than all the others. One of them looked like someone I’d probably like to meet. We share the same passions, live in the same area, and seem to fit the characteristics of what we’re each looking for in a date. Unfortunately, it’s either in or out with that service. So, after this particular match popped up a third time, I sent him a message: “Hey, sorry to look like a stalker. I promise it is not intentional. This looney service keeps showing me your profile and I don’t want it to delete you from my connections before I hear ‘hello’ or ‘no thanks’ back.  Feel free to ignore any further clicks since I have no idea how many more times it’s going to suggest you.” His response was positive. Who knows where it will go?  At least I avoided looking like a creeper with someone Match.com’s limited algorithms seem to think might be my prince.

In the end, this new culture of online dating can be friend or foe. If you accept the fact that nothing you see online is ever going to paint the full picture of a complex human being, you may just be able to meet a few really cool people, maybe even fall in love. But if you dismiss every potential match because they fail to meet one or more arbitrary criteria you’ve set for your potential dates, your analysis paralysis will only lead to a long, lonely life in solitude. As long as you have the right things in common (religious preferences, marital status, phase in life, lifestyle) and feel that pull of mutual attraction, any other characteristics will likely seem unimportant in the end. Don’t let your brain get in the way when it comes to matters of the heart.

Online Dating or a Pizza Menu?

Dear Online Dating Service, I want an underwear model who has an IQ over 10 but under 130, likes to watch football and doesn’t mind it when I act like a lecherous jerk, nor the fact that I look more like a troll than a rock star.

I swear the nature of online dating breeds some pretty bad behavior and wishful thinking. So many of the profiles I see read like a pizza order:

I’ll take one tall, leggy, big-boobed bleached blond with a sprinkling of intelligence. But not too smart – she might notice I’m not attractive or rich.

If they’re not pizza orders, they’re making fun of the women who are online. Seems self-defeating:

Please don’t tell me about your cats. If you have them, I won’t be dating you. Also, we know you’re all looking for a stable Christian with a good job who wants a family. Get over it.

Then again, there is probably a good reason most of these guys are still single. Maybe it’s just that the safety of hiding behind a keyboard gives them the audacity to be themselves. At least in a bar, they have to pretend to be a nice guy long enough to get your phone number.

The sad thing is, the fast food menu culture of online dating is likely depriving many poor male hopefuls of some great dates and even better relationships. Rather than taking a chance on an average girl who is actually about the right level of attractiveness for him, your typical online guy holds out for Ms. Perfect. Or at least does his best to meet her. He skips over suggested matches with women who share his interests, have great smiles and wonderful senses of humor because their photos show no cleavage or lack the bombshell effect he’s hoping the service fee he paid will buy him.

And women, we do the same. Sure, there are some exquisite-looking men online. While I suspect the majority of them are actually using someone else’s photos, a few are genuinely handsome – and know it. And if they aren’t narcissistic pigs who are just looking to rack up bedpost notches, they’re likely being flooded by messages from every eligible woman on the internet. With so many to choose from, the chances of them getting around to talking to you, no matter how awesome you are, are pretty slim.

The temptation to fall into the shallow trap is strong. I catch myself clicking “no thanks” at times without glancing at a profile because the guy just isn’t attractive at all. Or because he’s too old or too young, too heavy or too bald. I can’t seem to help myself. I’ll get that little rush of excitement when Mr. Perfect pops up on my screen, only to remind myself after I click that "like" button that he’s never going to message me back. (Sometimes they do, but usually what they have to propose is NOT tantamount to a long-term relationship.)

But the bad behavior seems to be spreading like wildfire amongst online datings’ men. They all are convinced that, now that they’ve paid their fees, the online dating gods will guarantee them a young hot thing who is willing to bear their children and overlook that giant hairy mole in an unfortunate location. They are shocked and offended when us ladies who are obviously not their age, their type or even on the same planet as them, say no.

And ladies, you are safe at no age. I’m 45. You’d think finding a man born near the same decade as me wouldn’t be that hard. But no. If a man is 45, he wants to date a girl who’s at most 35. If he’s 25 or 55, he wants to date me. Why? I have nothing in common with guys in either age group, but they message me anyway. So far I’ve yet to hear from a normal eligible man in his 40’s. Instead, I hear from scores of 30-somethings, hundreds of 50’s and 60’s, and even a septuagenarian who just wanted me to give birth to his one and only heir in exchange for my choice of homes in two major cities. (Yeah, good luck with that.)

For online dating to truly work, people need to learn to be realistic, and to treat each other like human beings. Guys, we ladies aren’t pretty baubles bred to entertain you, and we’re not the enemy. Treat us with a modicum of respect, open your mind to meeting someone slightly less attractive than Adriana Lima, and start asking some real women out. I assure you, going on real dates with real women is a lot more fun than waiting around for your super model dream date to accept your IM request.

Mr. Too Good to be True

Let’s face it, these online dating services are loaded with frogs. I’m talking the round, bumpy, icky kind. Every day I get email, “winks,” and “likes” from scores of them. Most apparently are quite unaware that they are frogs.

 

Occasionally, a picture pops up that makes you go, “wow!” His profile seems perfect. He’s in the right age range, has all his hair, beautiful physique and loves puppies and rainbows after long walks on the beach. He wants to buy lots of presents for some special lady, but just hasn’t found his one true love.

 

If it sounds too good to be true, there’s a good chance something isn’t so true about that profile. Here’s some things to look for after you get done drooling over the lovely black & white photo he posted with his shirt blowing open revealing his perfect abs as he strolls along a gorgeous water front.

1. His photos all look like they’ve been shot by a professional photographer. They probably were. And aren’t of him. They are, however, some Abercrombie & Fitch model (or wannabe) and he found those pics unprotected on that guy’s portfolio site.
2. His profile details are incredibly vague but read like a romance novel. Most of today’s online dating services offer professional profile writing assistance. If his written “voice” isn’t unique and a little too perfect, it’s probably a paid advertisement created just to get your attention.
3. His details don’t match his photos or the pics seem oddly familiar. For example, I received a wink from Jason Momoa. (If you don’t know who that is, think the hot modern Conan or Khal from Game of Thrones.) Now, I’m assuming Jason does not live in Texas. Nor is he over 40 seeking women 25-35 in Texas, and his build is far from “about average.” (The photo faker did try to say he worked in entertainment/the arts/modeling, just to give it a little edge of realism.) Luckily, the service offers a “Report a concern” link that allows you to report the fraudulent use of photos and faked profiles, and you should.
4. Other details don’t add up. For example, he may be a student but lists his income over $150,000. This is not likely. He claims to be a model but has no photos. He’s a lawyer but education doesn’t list a degree. He has an advanced degree but couldn’t spell his way out of a paper bag. Don’t get too nit-picky because we’re all human and make mistakes once in a while, but when too many things don’t add up, take note and move on.
5. There are no photos. This is generally a red flag. I’ll go into detail on that in a later post.

The best test is to just message the guy and ask him about something in his profile. If his photos look more like selfies or are a compilation of those kinds of pictures we all gather over time, there’s a possibility you’ve actually stumbled upon a frog prince. Keep in mind, though, that it is likely 2000 other women are messaging your prince, too, so he may not get back to you. Ever. And that’s okay.

 

(Originally posted on my old blog.)

Blocking's Not Just for Football (Rerun)

If you're feeling deja vu, it's because this one has been relocated from my FrogKisses.net blog, with a little editing, of course.

I was pretty mortified when, sitting in a meeting with my boss, projecting my screen in 72″ of high def glory, “Welcome to [insert online dating service name]” popped up in my email notification for all to see.  Well, for both of us to see. That was the moment I learned I’d been signed up for online dating by some possibly highly misguided but well-meaning friends. After laughing uproariously for an inordinate amount of time, my boss suggested it might not be such a bad thing, so I decided to give it the old college try.

The first day, thanks to my friends using a particularly flattering photo from my Facebook page, I received 200+ emails from my newly matched guys. 90% of them had zero in common with me. I’m pretty sure 100% of them had simply seen the picture, thought, “Oooo, pretty,” and sent me email. I spent more time than I want to admit clicking a link that said “no thanks” then a little x to remove said prospects from my view.

Ah, but then there was BigBoi# something. A weightlifter. A self-proclaimed, self-made rich man. Judging by the photos, the human, African American incarnation of Conan the Barbarian. His profile had more spelling and grammar errors than my daughter’s first grade essay on "Gery Wolfs." He lived at least 2 hours away (thank Heaven!). Seriously, there was nothing to indicate that Big Boi had anything remotely in common with my geeky, art-loving, pop-singing, movie house persona. “Beautiful, I can’t wait to meet you. My number is ###-###-####. Text me.”

“No thanks. I’m afraid we’re just not a good match.” (Abbreviated version of the service-provided standard rejection letter.)

“Beautiful. Why not?”

“Sorry, you remind me too much of my ex.” Really? I can’t believe I was dumb enough to answer that question. Okay, I thought I was being nice.

“Beautiful, please let me know when you change your mind.”

Delete. Moving on. I thought my profile said “Geek seeking EDUCATED PROFESSIONAL” or something like that. I don’t know. I didn’t write it. Hence all the Star Trek references. I’m glad I have the password. Need to change that.

Fast-forward a couple of weeks and a couple thousand more “no thanks” clicks.

“Beautiful, have you reconsidered yet?”

Oh look, Big Boi is back. Yay. “No. Still no thanks.”

“Beautiful, please! Why not?”

“Lots of reasons. But first of all, you’re just not my type. Then there’s the distance, [insert list of criteria not met].”

“You can sell your house. We will build a big, beautiful custom house together to raise our childrens in.”

Ugh. Block.

So, I updated my profile, kicking it off with a list of qualities I did NOT appreciate in a man that would inspire me to instantly click “no thanks.” Little things like, being older than my dad, overweight, uneducated, bald, smokers. Cowboy hats. Obviously seeking one night stands. The unemployed. I added a specific age range. In caps. Noted my dislike of men who don’t read profiles but just click “like” because they think a girl is pretty.

Enter Ariesman, his main photo shining with all the creepy sweetness of Freddy Krueger under his “seeking sensuous relationship” request. “Beautiful model!” he commented on one photo. “Gorgeous!” on another. Then emailed me an invitation to coffee.

“No thanks. We’re just not a good match.” And you didn’t read a DARN thing in my profile. You’re older than my dad and kinda freaking me out.

New photo comment from Ariesman: “And you call yourself slender???”

Sigh. Block.

Online Dating Lesson #1: Blocking can be your friend, especially when “no thanks,” isn’t received so well or a guy goes stalkerazzi on you. Some of the more paranoid types will even make a preemptive strike against rejection and let you know you’re too picky before you’ve told them no. Block them, too. Nothing good can come of wasting your time arguing with the romantically insane. Save your efforts for those few little froggies who might actually be sporting a crown.