Analysis Paralysis - Dating Research vs. Online Creeping

The last time I was a part of the single and dating world, “dating services” consisted of a handful of local companies that charged you the price of a used car to record a bad video tape and let you wade aimlessly through volumes of very basic printed profiles and photos to decide if you wanted to see the video. (These so-called “profiles” shared little more than age, race, level of education and career.) If you liked a video, they let you leave a note for the potential match which may or may not get answered. I know this because I worked for one of those services and felt pity for the poor schmucks who signed up for it and had to watch hours of video if they wanted to find a decent match.
However, for those who participated in the service, dating was a lot like it was for those of us who met the traditional way – in a bar. You saw someone you liked, if they liked you back, you exchanged numbers or agreed to meet somewhere for lunch or dinner to figure out if you still liked each other without the beer goggles on.  If that went well, you went on a “real date,” maybe more. Either way, you actually communicated before you started going out.

Thanks to the internet, the process has become accelerated and hyper-analytical. The rules have truly changed. First of all, there’s the initial showing of interest. In a bar, you’d lock eyes with someone you wanted to meet, maybe even smiled at him or her. If they found you attractive, you talked. If you didn’t click, one of you said, “Well, it was nice talking to you,” and you moved on. If you liked each other, see previous paragraph. If you met someone through some other normal means, like work, church, school…you often got to know each other through repeated social interaction, building a non-romantic relationship before mutually deciding to take it further.

With online dating, you look at a picture. If you like it, you look at more pictures, read a profile and maybe watch a video. You see height, weight, job, salary, general location, preferences, education, last time they pooped…Okay, maybe not that much – but it’s a lot of information before you even decide if you want to talk to someone. You have no idea if they’re talented, have an outstanding sense of humor or amazing intellect before you yay or nay them the majority of the time. There is no opportunity to win someone over with your rapier wit. It’s almost like buying a car, without the fun of all the test drives. And I’m betting most miss out on meeting some great people just because their profile picture isn’t very good.

IF you and your potential match happen to manage to get past that first phase of extreme analysis, most seem to want to skip past the harmless getting to know you over a non-threatening  coffee or lunch initial meeting and go straight to a first date. I can’t tell you how many times the first message I get from a potential connection contains a phone number and an invitation to, you guessed it, dinner and drinks.  No, “Hi, how are you? I found xyz interesting about you. What’s your favorite color?”  (My first instinct is normally, no thanks, you’re not serious about getting to know me.) Sadly, there seems to be a higher expectation to go straight from the first date to getting physical, which probably explains the “and drinks” that seems mandatory with most first date suggestions.

The mystery is all gone, replaced by research and analysis. It seems almost acceptable for your digital matches to research you online before and after that first date. After all, why bother getting to know someone by actually spending time with them when you can just type her name into a search engine?
Because it’s creepy, that’s why. While I fully advocate running the background check to uncover criminal records, predator registrations and hidden spouses before sharing your home address and personal information with your new date; digging into someone’s digital background before you’ve built any kind of rapport can induce a solid case of the heebie-jeebies. Not to mention border on an illegal invasion of privacy, depending on how far you take it.

So, when should you check out your date’s online history? I’d say about that point you decide to start meeting out of the safety of the public eye, but certainly not before you’ve been out on at least two or three dates.  Let’s make it clear: if you don’t trust the person enough to tell him or her you’d like to check out their background before you give out your home address, you probably shouldn’t be dating. Basic courtesy and a need to avoid looking like a stalker both dictate you ask permission before you Google your date’s name. Besides, if your date has nothing to hide, they’ll likely be happy to share with you enough personal info to ensure the results you get back are for the right person.  (Let’s face it, there are a LOT of John and Jane Smith’s out there.) And if you’re asking too soon, they’ll let you know. If they freak out when you ask, they probably have something to hide. If you find something that raises an eyebrow, talk to your date about it. (Unless he shows up on the registered offender’s list, in which case you should stop communications entirely if you know what’s good for you.)

Here’s another tip: don’t stalk your match’s profile. Most online services let people know who’s looking at their profile. If you check a potential date’s page more than once or twice after you start chatting, it will start to feel like stalking and may cost you a date. Once you’ve started emailing or IM’ing, set yourself up a bookmark or save your last message so you don’t have to view the profile each time you start a conversation. That will help keep you from looking like a weirdo. There is a very fine line between appearing interested and obsession.

Now, sometimes the online service can work against you in this department.  There are a couple of interesting gentlemen who, for some unknown reason, Match.com wants to place in my matches way more often than all the others. One of them looked like someone I’d probably like to meet. We share the same passions, live in the same area, and seem to fit the characteristics of what we’re each looking for in a date. Unfortunately, it’s either in or out with that service. So, after this particular match popped up a third time, I sent him a message: “Hey, sorry to look like a stalker. I promise it is not intentional. This looney service keeps showing me your profile and I don’t want it to delete you from my connections before I hear ‘hello’ or ‘no thanks’ back.  Feel free to ignore any further clicks since I have no idea how many more times it’s going to suggest you.” His response was positive. Who knows where it will go?  At least I avoided looking like a creeper with someone Match.com’s limited algorithms seem to think might be my prince.

In the end, this new culture of online dating can be friend or foe. If you accept the fact that nothing you see online is ever going to paint the full picture of a complex human being, you may just be able to meet a few really cool people, maybe even fall in love. But if you dismiss every potential match because they fail to meet one or more arbitrary criteria you’ve set for your potential dates, your analysis paralysis will only lead to a long, lonely life in solitude. As long as you have the right things in common (religious preferences, marital status, phase in life, lifestyle) and feel that pull of mutual attraction, any other characteristics will likely seem unimportant in the end. Don’t let your brain get in the way when it comes to matters of the heart.