Code Breaking

Ever wonder what guys are REALLY saying in their profiles? Based on my own personal experiences, with absolutely zero scientific methodology applied in the compilation of this list, here are the basic translations:

“Athletic & Toned” – Sometimes it actually means what it says.  There will be corroborating pictures in this situation. Most often, it seems to mean “I play armchair football and have a beer gut. I hold my arms out like a gorilla when I stand up so you can see my guns.” The best decoder is to also consider how often the supposed athlete works out: if he does it  3 days a week or more, he MAY actually be buff. Less than that, yeah, it’s the beer gut. (Hint: a round face on an adult male is a good sign "athletic & toned" is more wish than reality.)

“About Average” – Overweight. May have moobs. Potbelly guaranteed.

“Overweight” or “Stocky” – I’m enormous. Couldn’t lie about it because you can tell by the watermelon-like shape of my head.

“Seeking sensuous relationship” – I just want to get laid. I will probably be creepy about it and expect you to feel flattered.

“Seeking friendship” – I do not plan on committing to a relationship for a very long time. I am likely setting up dates for 5 of 7 nights each week.

“Laid back” – I am not very romantic and will put very little effort into dating you, for which you should not complain. Where’s the remote?

“Education” = blank. I did not finish high school and don’t want anyone to know.

“Income” = blank, seeking “Income” = (any high number).  I do not have a job or am wickedly under-employed and looking for someone to support me.

"Age” = “Seeking older women than me”. I miss my mommy and need someone to do my laundry and pay my bills. I have no matching socks and I am cute enough to know that some cougar with money will find that charming.

“Outdoorsman” – I fish. Or hunt. And wear lots of camouflage for no particular reason. You will never see my hair (or lack thereof) thanks to the dirty baseball cap that never leaves my head. Ever. Well, except when I use it to wipe sweat off my forehead then promptly place it back on my head.

“Native [insert city, state reference]” – I do not travel. I have not left home and have little intention of ever relocating. I am a homebody. I still live within 50 miles of my mommy.

“Seeking honest woman” – I am carrying a very large chip on my shoulder because either I am paranoid or my last relationship cheated on me/lied to me.

“Down to earth” – I had no idea what to say about my dull, TV-watching personality.

“Sarcastic humor” – I will insult you and/or others frequently, act rudely and expect you to like it. I am probably verbally abusive. Unless you find my profile is actually funny in a tongue-in-cheek way, in which case I’ve mislabeled my sense of humor.

“Favorite things = a list of TV shows and movies” – I don’t get out much. Life with me revolves around the boob tube and there is a large divot in the couch full of potato chip crumbs and beer stains. I will ignore you during football/basketball/baseball/hockey season.

“Life of the party” – I drink…a LOT. See all the pictures of me holding up an alcoholic beverage and squinting like I live in the Sahara desert? There is a very good chance I have more than one DUI/DWI on my record and probably have slept with 4 other women this week, though I don’t remember any of their names.

“Hard working professional” – This can have a couple of meanings. If their job is actually “professional” (i.e. requires a degree), then it likely means this guy is single because he works 90 hours a week but wants someone to dress nice and follow him to the firm’s holiday party. It may also mean he is actually a sanitation engineer (janitor) but is working very hard to look important so a nice girl will talk to him. You are probably better off dating the sanitation engineer – he will treat you better, even if you do have to pay for lunch.

"Drama free." I am anything but drama free. I am a complete jerk who will complain about anything and everything and probably blame you for it. You are not allowed to complain, walk away, or react in any way.

"Just checking things out." Yeah, I only respond to profiles that start with a bikini picture. I will never evolve beyond that point. I am almost 50 years old and still believe I have a chance at marrying a 20-something supermodel.