Why Fake Fails

Like an idiot, I decided to give online dating one more try after the last friend-sponsored go-round yielded a few stalkers and a healthy share of horn-dogs and leeches. Good guys? Zero. Decent guys? Zero. Naturally, I waited six months and tried it again thinking things would be different next time. They were not.
     This time I decided to pay closer attention to the things that make me hesitant to respond positively to men online. Far and away the number one reason I tell a guy no? His picture.
     If you're a guy, you're probably thinking it's because your pic isn't flattering enough or that attractive women only want to date young hot men. (Oh, wait, that's guys chasing younger, hotter women than they. I digress.) You couldn't be more wrong. Here are the main reasons a man's picture gets a quick "no thanks:"

1. Your picture looks like it was shot in an earlier decade: That means you look your age (or older) and you're not being honest.
2. Your picture has obviously been Photoshopped to trim a few pounds: You're probably overweight, still not being honest.
3. Your picture is some model or celebrity who is not you: You're really ugly and, again, not being honest.
4. You're 45 and the person in the picture is 20. Probably your son: Not being honest.
5. Your picture says AARP but your online age says 35: REALLY not being honest.

     See a theme here? For most women over thirty dating online, the key trait they seek in a man is honesty. Yet for some incomprehensible reason, most of you refuse to be honest when it comes to your online photo. Yes, there are women out there who post old pictures, too. It's usually pretty easy to tell that hairstyle came from Jennifer Aniston's "Rachel" phase or, heaven forbid, a worship of 70's Olympic figure skater Dorothy Hamil. Since women are inherently slaves to fashion, it's almost impossible to fake the age of a picture and you guys can easily spot outdated snaps if you exercise minimal effort.

     Men's fashion and hair is less dynamic so it's far more tempting for you guys to whip out something that's 5 to 10 years old or older. Don't.  Just don't.

     When you use a picture that no longer resembles you or the current year, you're telling possible dates that you know you're too old for the women you're chasing and you're likely to lie about other things, including cheating in a relationship. (It's easy to make the leap that you will continue to chase younger and younger women in your endless pursuit of your lost youth.) It also tells us you're incapable of living in the now, Al Bundy, which is something women are experts at doing.

     Why do that to yourself? I realize a lot of you believe that if you can "trick" a younger woman into meeting you by making her think you look her age, that she'll be so dazzled by your sparkling personality she won't hop right back in the car and flee. Or laugh at you. WRONG. On both counts.

     Here's a hefty dose of reality: if you think you need to post an old or altered picture to accomplish your dating goals, you need new goals. Period. Dating a younger woman isn't going to happen that way. You MIGHT have a chance if you meet her in public rather than online, but any woman with half a brain is going to be pissed your picture was an outright lie and bail the moment she sees you. Heck, I just turned 46 and I still do that. (Dude, I am not fooled by your "Just for Men" bad dye job and that ugly shirt you bought at the skate shop thinking it made you look hip.)

     You want to meet a woman worth taking on a second date and maybe even introducing to your friends? Be yourself! Date your age. It's incredible what being in the same life stage and from the same generation will do to bolster a potential relationship. You won't have to worry about keeping up with your date or waiting for her to finish her homework, and that's a good thing. If you're overweight, don't chase women who look like supermodels. You're not going to enjoy their level of physical activity and they're going to run off with some beefy gym rat anyway.

    And guys, it's OKAY to date a woman who falls into the same range of attractiveness as you. Any pig can put on lipstick and a pretty hair-do. Even a plump woman can look fantastic in the right dress. (And there's that bonus cleavage that comes with a little extra weight.) Rather than trying to fake your way into a date with a woman who is bound to reject you on first glance, save yourself a little agony and just be real.

How to Get Blocked Online

Gentlemen, gentlemen! I know it can be frustrating. You pay a ridiculous amount of money to join an online dating service, you spend a little time looking at pictures and maybe even a few minutes more emailing a few of the cuties you see. Then it happens. "No thanks."

     Yeah, that sucks.

     So, what do you do?

     A smart guy would either say something sweet and funny or nothing at all. Unfortunately, it seems a good number of the men who've joined online dating well, they're not so smart. And here's where they make the kind of mistake that gets them booted from that online dating site, no refund.
     You might as well take a roll of twenties and set them on fire. At least then you could roast a few marshmallows.
   Guys, why do you insist upon reacting like a two-year-old when a woman tells you no? Trust me, it doesn't make the woman feel bad. Not one bit. I got one of those knee jerk responses again today. I clicked the "no thanks" button for yet another guy who hadn't bothered reading my profile or even looking to see if we had a single interest in common before he emailed me asking to meet. Naturally, he had to get in the last word.

 "Didn't like me huh. Sorry I wasn't good enough...Never know what your passing by"

    There was more, but I'll leave it at that. Sweetie, first of all, you didn't finish school. Your photos make it clear you like to hunt and never work out, and your writing indicates education wasn't high on your list of priorities at any point in your life. I do know what I'm passing up and your junior-high-worthy response only solidifies my decision. By the way, it's "you're" in that situation, not "your."
     You see, women actually take the time to look beyond the pictures before we respond. Sure, a lot of times the picture is more than enough. You look like my grandfather? No. You look like a gang-banger? No. You look like you never work out (and I do)? No. You're naked but for a pair of sunglasses and a shot glass of tequila? Uh, definitely N-O.
     Those exceptions aside, we're more emotional and cerebral when it comes to deciding whether or not we want to date a guy. We're kind enough (usually) to let you know within our profiles what will drive us to say no. That is not an invitation to explain to us why our preferences are wrong. I was first in my class and went to college on full academic scholarship. I have no desire to date someone who won't understand a word that comes out of my mouth. Get over it and find someone who doesn't care about things like vocabulary and grammatical capabilities. It matters to me.
     If you don't have a job and decide to pursue a successful woman, you're more than likely going to get a no. You would know this if you did more than look at pictures before you act, but men are physical and don't seem to understand women are not. Well, not so much.
     Whatever you do, take it gracefully when a lady says no. Don't lose your temper on her - that just reminds her that her initial instincts about you being an asshole were correct. Don't insult her. Don't harass her. Don't explain to her how much she'll suffer emotionally for passing you by. For Heaven's sakes, don't threaten her with physical harm or unleash written Hell on her. That might not only get you blocked but potentially arrested.
    If you're really dead set on meeting that particular woman, try something novel: read her profile. See what she's interested in. Determine if you actually have any common ground before you lament yet another rejection, then contact her if you actually feel an attraction toward her beyond the fact that you like the size of her boobs. Most of the time I bet you'll find you dodged a bullet in getting that no. Timberwolf (quoted above), had he actually read my profile, would've found out I don't believe in killing animals for pleasure, I detest redneck culture and am completely incapable of spending countless hours watching Nascar drivers turn left while downing cheap beer. Translated: he would've hated me, and I him. I did him a favor saying "no thanks." He was just offended the pretty girl said no and never stopped to think that maybe I did him a favor in doing so.
     However, now I've blocked him and once a few other women do the same, his profile will get locked by the online dating police. He will lose his money and have no date to show for it.
     Now, if he'd actually been even remotely in the universe of my type and had sent a funny, sweet or even intelligent response to my "no thanks," I might have reconsidered. Makes one wonder if some guys are only contacting women who are clearly out of their league because they want that "no."
     One last word of advice, gentlemen. Pretty women are NOT attracted to unattractive men. Nor men 10 years their senior. If you're over 50 and they're not, look in your own age group. Bodies change at 50 and the only way you're getting the attention of a gorgeous twenty-something is if your house is covered in gold bricks. Women who work out are looking for equally fit men, not guys who look 5 months pregnant. And the last thing a woman wants to feel like you're choosing her over is her appearance. If you have zero in common or you're the opposite of what she described as her perfect man, she's going to assume that's why you contacted her. Of course, most of the time you guys let us know up front by initiating conversation with a "hello beautiful" or "you're pretty, want to go out?"

Valentine, Don't Lower the Bar

Egads! Valentine's Day is coming and I don't have a date! I swear every single guy on Match.com must be thinking that. Suddenly, the standard for asking someone out is "breathing" and the number of messages coming in have quadrupled. Come on, singles, you can do better than that!
   Valentine's Day is JUST another date on the calendar. If you're in a relationship, sure, it's a great excuse to make your other half feel special. If you're already thinking of asking someone out, it's a good kick in the butt to take the plunge. But seriously - I've spent the last five Valentine's Days completely single and not only survived, but seem to be healthier than ever. It's not that I'm anti-romantic, just that I don't see much point in getting twisted in knots over some nonexistent rule that everyone must have a date on that one day of the year.
   If you're facing V-Day alone, do something for yourself instead of fretting over what, or who, you don't have. And for Heaven's sake, don't lower the bar or expect others to do so if you're online dating. The reality is that accepting a date with someone you're not interested in just because you're otherwise going to be alone on a specific day is a recipe for disaster. It could make that special day even worse than it would've been if you were alone. Honestly, I'm talking "coyote ugly" without the excuse of alcohol.
   So instead of relentlessly pursuing any human being who will speak to you to address your rising sense of desperation, stop, breathe, and get a grip on your sanity. No date? Make one for yourself. I like to do something for my community or myself when I'm alone on Valentine's Day. Oddly enough, my attached girlfriends are usually disappointed or angry that the day didn't work out as expected, while I end the day feeling pretty good.
   So, if you ARE going to insist upon lowering the bar this time of year: make it be the bar of expectations you have for Valentine's Day. You don't NEED a date, you need to be happy. Those things are not necessarily dependent upon each other.

Guys: 5 Critical Online Dating Don'ts

Guys, we get it. You pay good money to join an online dating service. You invest MINUTES of your day looking at pictures and identifying all the beautiful women you'd like to date. Then you flirt, wink, email, swipe, whatever. Here's a few things you should NEVER DO next:

1. Make contact without reading the lady's profile. Amazingly enough, you may find out she's not for you before you ever click "like" on that pretty face. Save yourself the agony of unwarranted rejection by taking a minute or two to read her profile. If she's "white collar only" and you repair cars for a living, you're going to get a "no" or no response for sure. If she's "non-smokers only" and you're "trying to quit," well, you do the math. Better to know up front, huh? That may be just why those profiles are there.
2. Be impatient. Some of us ladies get dozens to hundreds of contact attempts. Some weeks are worse than others. Some are burnt out with the endless pool of nut jobs that preceded you and think carefully before replying. DON'T FREAK OUT. Give a girl a week or two to respond. If she doesn't, she's probably not interested or isn't all that invested in finding a date through the service. MOVE ON.
3. Get angry. Lashing out at a lady because she says "no thank you" or doesn't respond is a quick way to get yourself banned from the service. No refunds. Thank your lucky stars you found out she wasn't into you BEFORE you wasted time or money on an in-person meeting.
4. "Research" her. Searching for information on a potential date online is not only creepy, it's a little bit stalker-like. Many social media sites will let her know if you've checked her out, as do many digital reputation services. Trying to "friend" or "follow" a woman before you've even met is just plain weird. Just...don't. (FYI: Harassing/stalking online is now a crime in most states.)
5. Contact her outside the service without her permission. Yes, it's somewhat easy to find almost anyone on the internet nowadays with very little information to get you started. This does not mean it's okay. Calling a woman you're interested in or showing up at her place of work, home, or places you're pretty sure you'll find her just to circumvent her ability to choose whether or not to meet or talk to you is even creepier than stalking a lady online. And yes, doing these things without her permission is borderline crazy. (Trust me, she will not see it as romantic.) Just wait until she gives you her number or other info. Addendum: if she at any point says she is not interested, further pursuit could be construed as criminal harassment or stalking. Best to simply accept the no and look elsewhere.

Surprisingly enough, if you'll just be patient and reasonable in your contact efforts, you'll eventually meet someone, even if you aren't built like a professional athlete or sporting movie star looks. Just remember: seek out COMPATIBLE women NEAR YOUR AGE (not just the pretty, young ones), be yourself, then be patient. If you're getting a ton of "no's" or no response, rethink your strategy. Maybe try doing the opposite of Don't #1 above.

Happy New Year! You're Still Single...Yay

Based on the high level of traffic suddenly experienced from that online dating site my idiotic friends signed me up for, I'm guessing the silly season (holidays) brings out the loneliness among the single set. I get it. Not only was my little girl away for New Year's, but my family are also all in another city on the other side of Texas. Yes, I talked to my brother and mom. I talked to my baby girl several times. My grandparents have all passed now, so I also missed the traditions they used to uphold. I ventured onto Facebook. My friends, aunts, uncles and cousins were all celebrating with their huge families. I felt like a pathetic Nora Ephron character, the one single sheep in a herd of happily marrieds.
     As apparently did every Tom, Dick and Harry on Match.com. When I finally glanced at my email the usual number of daily messages had quadrupled. So many it wasn’t even worth trying to click the “No Thanks” link in them. And the level of desperation was evident. At least 50% of the messages had come from someone old enough to be my dad or young enough to be my son. A lot of the messages came from cities and states near and far. Apparently the bar had been lowered for everyone that day, because female and breathing appeared to be good enough to merit a message. Delete. Delete. Delete. Oops, didn’t mean to click “View Profile.” Now they’ll all think I’ve been online searching like them. Great. Delete. Oh, he’s cute…and half my age. Delete.
I plugged my dying smart phone into the charger and went back to writing. (My resolution is to be more consistent with that.)
     Note to self: all meet requests should be ignored on New Year's Day, which is apparently the online dating equivalent of serious beer goggles.