Online Tips for Men

I get the deepest sense that many of you guys get very frustrated with the underwhelming response you get on [insert online dating service name here]. You spent 10 minutes writing your life story and posted a few selfies that should have the ladies drooling. So why all the “no thanks?” Here are some of the more common reasons you’ll get a “no:”

1. Your pictures suck. Keep your shirt on, smile, and try to avoid anything resembling a mug shot. Your private boy parts have no place online. Only one shot should be of you with an alcoholic beverage. Less if you’re visibly drunk. If there is a woman in the picture with you, a caption should let us know that she is your sister or daughter. And why the heck do you ALL have a selfie taken inside your run-of-the-mill car or pickup truck with basic beige or grey interior? You can drive. Awesome. So could my grandmother.
2. We are not impressed by all the pretty women you dated before. Leave them out of your photos. If cropping an ex from the pic, try not to make it obvious.
3. We are not interested in “laid back,” “down-to-earth” guys. We want Prince Charming. Or Thor. If the best thing your profile has to say about you is that you are boring, you might as well save your money and stick with lurking in bars. At least then you have a fighting chance of getting by on your appearance. Put some effort into talking about who you actually are and why we should like you.
4. No woman with half a brain will respond to a man seeking a “sensuous” relationship. Just write “I want to get laid” and save us the agony of reading the rest of your weird preferences. At least then the online hookers will let you know if they like you.
5. Your profile says you’re athletic and toned but you work out once a month or never and list TV shows under “favorite things.” We are pretty sure you are about as athletic and toned as a walrus and probably have popcorn kernels stuck in the couch. Just be honest about your physique and we’ll all get along great.
6. Sad stories will not get you a mercy date. Keep it positive!
7. Your profile reads like a pizza order.  Yeah, yeah. You ALL want to meet a sexy woman who is as beautiful inside as out and who is smart but dumb enough to do whatever you ask her to do. Keep what you want a mystery so we don’t rule ourselves out on your behalf. (Here’s a tip: “I’m looking for my one true love” gets us every time.)
8. Sex does not equal romance. If you confuse these two things in your profile, we will know and skip over you. Here’s a shocker: most women do eventually expect to have sex with the guy they date, just not on the first date. Or second date. They do not need you to give the impression that is the ONLY thing you’re interested in, even if it really is. Newsflash: the experience is usually better when you really care about the person first.
9. You are obsessed with sports/fishing/hunting or some other equally unattractive manly activity. Here’s a secret: women who don't wear camo but say they find this attractive are usually LYING. Yes, we know you all do it, just like you all fart and pick your noses, but PLEASE try to keep your obsession a secret long enough to get a date. No woman worth her weight in tortilla chips is looking for happily ever after with a guy who plans to spend most of his free days either parked in front of the TV or out fishing/hunting with his buddies. We like to pretend you will actually pay attention to us on occasion. And the dead fish pictures are just ooky.  (Guess what? 50% of you Texas guys have caught a fish bigger than your head at least once and posted the picture in your profile.)
10. We hear “hello beautiful” or “you’re hot” from about 50 guys a day online. Be more creative if you do message us and at least act like you read a girl’s profile before you started salivating over her picture. Skip the form letters and generic messages. It makes you look desperate and we can spot that a mile away. Be interested, honest and genuine and you might actually get a positive response.
11. Be realistic. Self awareness is critical to your mental and emotional well-being. Women who look like models do not generally want to date men who look like trolls. Unless you are uber-rich, famous, or next in line for the throne, focus on trying to meet a woman within your own level of attractiveness and lifestyle.
12. Compatibility counts. If you barely finished high school and currently wield a hammer for a living, you are probably not going to be compatible with a high-powered corporate attorney or rocket scientist. Show some respect and try to acknowledge what your potential match is looking for in a man. If she says “educated professional” and you dropped out of high school your junior year and drive a bus, move along. If you’re the high-powered attorney and she’s a bartender, well, you deserve the agony that is soon to follow going out with her, and any money or pride you lose in the process.
13. Age. Yes, you ALL want to meet a younger, beautiful woman. So do the younger men. Stick with your own age range. Plus or minus 7 years is generally acceptable. This may be hard to believe, but if you’re over 50, there are some gorgeous 50-something women out there who’d actually be willing to date you. And try not to be so offended when that younger woman turns you down for being too old. Think about it, you’re looking for someone young, too. Why wouldn’t women be doing the same thing? Fact: women under 30 do not even look at men over 40, so stop wasting your time chasing them. But don't take it from me - hear it straight from the horses' mouths here. (Short summary, if a 20-something girl dates a man over 40, it's about money or serious daddy issues.)
14. Be honest. Sometimes lying on your profile will get you a first date, but it's not going to get you past first base with anyone worth your time. If you feel like you have to lie about yourself to get a date, seek help or change your expectations. What astounds me is why anyone would pay the fee to join a dating service then lie about themselves, ensuring failure. Any woman worth her weight in bubbles can spot a liar a mile away and isn't going to give you the time of day if she suspects you're anything less than ingenuous, she's going to pass you by.