Why Fake Fails

Like an idiot, I decided to give online dating one more try after the last friend-sponsored go-round yielded a few stalkers and a healthy share of horn-dogs and leeches. Good guys? Zero. Decent guys? Zero. Naturally, I waited six months and tried it again thinking things would be different next time. They were not.
     This time I decided to pay closer attention to the things that make me hesitant to respond positively to men online. Far and away the number one reason I tell a guy no? His picture.
     If you're a guy, you're probably thinking it's because your pic isn't flattering enough or that attractive women only want to date young hot men. (Oh, wait, that's guys chasing younger, hotter women than they. I digress.) You couldn't be more wrong. Here are the main reasons a man's picture gets a quick "no thanks:"

1. Your picture looks like it was shot in an earlier decade: That means you look your age (or older) and you're not being honest.
2. Your picture has obviously been Photoshopped to trim a few pounds: You're probably overweight, still not being honest.
3. Your picture is some model or celebrity who is not you: You're really ugly and, again, not being honest.
4. You're 45 and the person in the picture is 20. Probably your son: Not being honest.
5. Your picture says AARP but your online age says 35: REALLY not being honest.

     See a theme here? For most women over thirty dating online, the key trait they seek in a man is honesty. Yet for some incomprehensible reason, most of you refuse to be honest when it comes to your online photo. Yes, there are women out there who post old pictures, too. It's usually pretty easy to tell that hairstyle came from Jennifer Aniston's "Rachel" phase or, heaven forbid, a worship of 70's Olympic figure skater Dorothy Hamil. Since women are inherently slaves to fashion, it's almost impossible to fake the age of a picture and you guys can easily spot outdated snaps if you exercise minimal effort.

     Men's fashion and hair is less dynamic so it's far more tempting for you guys to whip out something that's 5 to 10 years old or older. Don't.  Just don't.

     When you use a picture that no longer resembles you or the current year, you're telling possible dates that you know you're too old for the women you're chasing and you're likely to lie about other things, including cheating in a relationship. (It's easy to make the leap that you will continue to chase younger and younger women in your endless pursuit of your lost youth.) It also tells us you're incapable of living in the now, Al Bundy, which is something women are experts at doing.

     Why do that to yourself? I realize a lot of you believe that if you can "trick" a younger woman into meeting you by making her think you look her age, that she'll be so dazzled by your sparkling personality she won't hop right back in the car and flee. Or laugh at you. WRONG. On both counts.

     Here's a hefty dose of reality: if you think you need to post an old or altered picture to accomplish your dating goals, you need new goals. Period. Dating a younger woman isn't going to happen that way. You MIGHT have a chance if you meet her in public rather than online, but any woman with half a brain is going to be pissed your picture was an outright lie and bail the moment she sees you. Heck, I just turned 46 and I still do that. (Dude, I am not fooled by your "Just for Men" bad dye job and that ugly shirt you bought at the skate shop thinking it made you look hip.)

     You want to meet a woman worth taking on a second date and maybe even introducing to your friends? Be yourself! Date your age. It's incredible what being in the same life stage and from the same generation will do to bolster a potential relationship. You won't have to worry about keeping up with your date or waiting for her to finish her homework, and that's a good thing. If you're overweight, don't chase women who look like supermodels. You're not going to enjoy their level of physical activity and they're going to run off with some beefy gym rat anyway.

    And guys, it's OKAY to date a woman who falls into the same range of attractiveness as you. Any pig can put on lipstick and a pretty hair-do. Even a plump woman can look fantastic in the right dress. (And there's that bonus cleavage that comes with a little extra weight.) Rather than trying to fake your way into a date with a woman who is bound to reject you on first glance, save yourself a little agony and just be real.

How to Get Blocked Online

Gentlemen, gentlemen! I know it can be frustrating. You pay a ridiculous amount of money to join an online dating service, you spend a little time looking at pictures and maybe even a few minutes more emailing a few of the cuties you see. Then it happens. "No thanks."

     Yeah, that sucks.

     So, what do you do?

     A smart guy would either say something sweet and funny or nothing at all. Unfortunately, it seems a good number of the men who've joined online dating well, they're not so smart. And here's where they make the kind of mistake that gets them booted from that online dating site, no refund.
     You might as well take a roll of twenties and set them on fire. At least then you could roast a few marshmallows.
   Guys, why do you insist upon reacting like a two-year-old when a woman tells you no? Trust me, it doesn't make the woman feel bad. Not one bit. I got one of those knee jerk responses again today. I clicked the "no thanks" button for yet another guy who hadn't bothered reading my profile or even looking to see if we had a single interest in common before he emailed me asking to meet. Naturally, he had to get in the last word.

 "Didn't like me huh. Sorry I wasn't good enough...Never know what your passing by"

    There was more, but I'll leave it at that. Sweetie, first of all, you didn't finish school. Your photos make it clear you like to hunt and never work out, and your writing indicates education wasn't high on your list of priorities at any point in your life. I do know what I'm passing up and your junior-high-worthy response only solidifies my decision. By the way, it's "you're" in that situation, not "your."
     You see, women actually take the time to look beyond the pictures before we respond. Sure, a lot of times the picture is more than enough. You look like my grandfather? No. You look like a gang-banger? No. You look like you never work out (and I do)? No. You're naked but for a pair of sunglasses and a shot glass of tequila? Uh, definitely N-O.
     Those exceptions aside, we're more emotional and cerebral when it comes to deciding whether or not we want to date a guy. We're kind enough (usually) to let you know within our profiles what will drive us to say no. That is not an invitation to explain to us why our preferences are wrong. I was first in my class and went to college on full academic scholarship. I have no desire to date someone who won't understand a word that comes out of my mouth. Get over it and find someone who doesn't care about things like vocabulary and grammatical capabilities. It matters to me.
     If you don't have a job and decide to pursue a successful woman, you're more than likely going to get a no. You would know this if you did more than look at pictures before you act, but men are physical and don't seem to understand women are not. Well, not so much.
     Whatever you do, take it gracefully when a lady says no. Don't lose your temper on her - that just reminds her that her initial instincts about you being an asshole were correct. Don't insult her. Don't harass her. Don't explain to her how much she'll suffer emotionally for passing you by. For Heaven's sakes, don't threaten her with physical harm or unleash written Hell on her. That might not only get you blocked but potentially arrested.
    If you're really dead set on meeting that particular woman, try something novel: read her profile. See what she's interested in. Determine if you actually have any common ground before you lament yet another rejection, then contact her if you actually feel an attraction toward her beyond the fact that you like the size of her boobs. Most of the time I bet you'll find you dodged a bullet in getting that no. Timberwolf (quoted above), had he actually read my profile, would've found out I don't believe in killing animals for pleasure, I detest redneck culture and am completely incapable of spending countless hours watching Nascar drivers turn left while downing cheap beer. Translated: he would've hated me, and I him. I did him a favor saying "no thanks." He was just offended the pretty girl said no and never stopped to think that maybe I did him a favor in doing so.
     However, now I've blocked him and once a few other women do the same, his profile will get locked by the online dating police. He will lose his money and have no date to show for it.
     Now, if he'd actually been even remotely in the universe of my type and had sent a funny, sweet or even intelligent response to my "no thanks," I might have reconsidered. Makes one wonder if some guys are only contacting women who are clearly out of their league because they want that "no."
     One last word of advice, gentlemen. Pretty women are NOT attracted to unattractive men. Nor men 10 years their senior. If you're over 50 and they're not, look in your own age group. Bodies change at 50 and the only way you're getting the attention of a gorgeous twenty-something is if your house is covered in gold bricks. Women who work out are looking for equally fit men, not guys who look 5 months pregnant. And the last thing a woman wants to feel like you're choosing her over is her appearance. If you have zero in common or you're the opposite of what she described as her perfect man, she's going to assume that's why you contacted her. Of course, most of the time you guys let us know up front by initiating conversation with a "hello beautiful" or "you're pretty, want to go out?"