Guys: Getting a Yes

I always find it highly amusing that online men frequently open with the line: "You're gorgeous. We should get together for dinner & drinks." More often than not, the men digitally uttering this line are definitely not gorgeous, and they make no attempt whatsoever to win my favor by selling themselves. They skip any getting-to-know-you chit chat and go right for "dinner & drinks." Translated, "I think you're hot, probably not very bright, and I expect to get you drunk enough to sleep with me."
     Guys, if you're serious enough about finding a woman that you're willing to pay an online service for the privilege of being able to email potential dates, you might want to put a little more effort into your "game." Anyone with the ability to read at a first grade level nowadays knows women want, no, need to be romanced. We don't want to hear about what you expect in a future match but nothing about why we should be interested in you. At least pretend what we want counts by making an effort to sell yourself a little bit.
     We also want to hear the truth. Saying you're an "entrepreneur" and posting no income not only screams dishonesty, it paints you as slightly delusional. (Especially when paired with a self-ascribed body type of "athletic and toned" when your head shot resembles a Halloween pumpkin.) I think the very existence of men like Chris Hemsworth who, let's face it, for all intents and purposes appears to be pretty damn close to perfect, has conditioned normal men to believe they have to be more than what they are to find love. Of course, then there's the annual SI swimsuit issue that stimulates the belief that for a woman to be eligible she must be built like a human fashion doll. (Tip: those girls' bodies do not occur in nature and typically require trading bone for silicon. They are also completely unavailable to anyone who cannot afford to drive a hand-built Italian sports car.)
     The truth is, all you need to be is yourself. The real you. Expose that in your profile and you're halfway to meeting a wonderful woman who will love you for all that you are. Unless the real you is a freak, predator or criminal, in which case you really shouldn't be seeking a friend online until you get that little problem worked out.
     I'll be honest, most of the profiles I read online for the men in my age range make me go, "meh." It's easy to tell right away why they're still single. (Here's a good real-world example: "Ladies...i like narrow hips." Good luck with that!) The ones that really grab my attention are devoid of the standard fluff that men believe will attract women. (Yes, that's the cute puppy pictures, motorcycle shots and "I love kids" or "look how awesome and well-traveled I am.") Normally they're thoughtful and funny without being overtly sexy, shallow or narcissistic. Frankly, I'd rather hear that you're secretly an awesome gardener and love action movies than read yet another mundane diatribe about the cool places you like to travel and the fine wines you drink. (Again, not really believable when paired with pictures of you in camo or fishing gear holding up a dead animal.) I definitely DON'T want to hear about what was wrong with the last 20 women you dated, or 1 or 2 you married. (If the number is higher than 2, again, seek help before seeking the next ex-Mrs. You.) Here's an example of a clear tip-off regarding your unresolved issues, courtesy of narrow hips guy: "Looking for a petite or fit female that is not short tempered and does not like being the center of attention in groups or crowds. Takes care of her body and is easy going. Open communication and is easy going." So, what you're saying is that, after squeezing out 3 kids for you, your ex's hips got too wide and you hated that other people paid attention to her in a crowd. She obviously didn't want to hear about your shallow, control freak attitude toward her and rebelled. AND you're still thinking SHE was the problem.
     Before you hit submit on that online "about me," make sure you read it carefully. Does it reflect who you really are? Does it come across as elitest, angry, bitter or boring? (Hint, if the word combo "laid-back" appears anywhere in the first 500 words, boring applies.) Does it paint you as a TV-loving couch potato with no ambition and no career? Could you possibly be describing yourself as a creep in your attempt to come across as sexy? If you're having trouble deciding, imagine you're reading a woman's profile. Would you want to date the girl it describes?
     Be careful your profile doesn't rule out a potential match with superficial requirements like "beautiful," "blond," "narrow hips" or an age range inappropriate for your own. (If you're looking for women who were in elementary school when you graduated, you're WAY out of your age range. Plus or minus 7 years is appropriate from a psychological compatibility perspective.) Post pictures that are an accurate description of you and you will surely attract more than one woman who fits into YOUR range of attraction. Sorry ugly or overweight hopefuls - women who are substantially prettier than you will not likely respond no matter what you say to them. Get over it and start looking for someone who actually looks compatible standing next to you. Just because Mick Jagger dated super-models doesn't mean you will have the same kind of luck. I'm pretty sure his fame and fat bank account helped him out substantially. And if your search method exclusively involves clicking through pictures and emailing the pretty ones, remember this - beauty ALWAYS fades and is rarely an indication of personality compatibility.
     Finally, make sure you read a woman's profile before you contact her. Simply liking the picture of an attractive woman (assuming you're not Chris Hemsworth) is virtually a guaranteed rejection. Women over the age of 25 want to be noticed for who they are more than what they look like, regardless of how they actually look. (Even the gorgeous ones.) Women under 25 are not really interested in anyone over 30 unless they happen to be rich beyond imagination and there's no way that relationship will last beyond the depths of a shared bank account.
     Ah, I almost forgot: in the end, you need to stand out from the other fifty guys who emailed the pretty woman that same day. Here's the secret, make a connection to her profile. "Hey, I see you love independent films. Me, too. You ever attend the local festival?" That works so much more effectively than, "Wow, you're pretty!" "Hi beautiful" or my absolute favorite, "Hey there, sexy!" Oh, and don't freak out and fire back with a snarky remark if she says "no thank you." It will just land you on the "hidden profile" list. Count your lucky stars you didn't get stuck paying for dinner and drinks with someone who was never interested in you and move on. Online or in person, dating is still a game of numbers and chemistry. You just have to keep trying until you find that special one.