Online Dating or a Pizza Menu?

Dear Online Dating Service, I want an underwear model who has an IQ over 10 but under 130, likes to watch football and doesn’t mind it when I act like a lecherous jerk, nor the fact that I look more like a troll than a rock star.

I swear the nature of online dating breeds some pretty bad behavior and wishful thinking. So many of the profiles I see read like a pizza order:

I’ll take one tall, leggy, big-boobed bleached blond with a sprinkling of intelligence. But not too smart – she might notice I’m not attractive or rich.

If they’re not pizza orders, they’re making fun of the women who are online. Seems self-defeating:

Please don’t tell me about your cats. If you have them, I won’t be dating you. Also, we know you’re all looking for a stable Christian with a good job who wants a family. Get over it.

Then again, there is probably a good reason most of these guys are still single. Maybe it’s just that the safety of hiding behind a keyboard gives them the audacity to be themselves. At least in a bar, they have to pretend to be a nice guy long enough to get your phone number.

The sad thing is, the fast food menu culture of online dating is likely depriving many poor male hopefuls of some great dates and even better relationships. Rather than taking a chance on an average girl who is actually about the right level of attractiveness for him, your typical online guy holds out for Ms. Perfect. Or at least does his best to meet her. He skips over suggested matches with women who share his interests, have great smiles and wonderful senses of humor because their photos show no cleavage or lack the bombshell effect he’s hoping the service fee he paid will buy him.

And women, we do the same. Sure, there are some exquisite-looking men online. While I suspect the majority of them are actually using someone else’s photos, a few are genuinely handsome – and know it. And if they aren’t narcissistic pigs who are just looking to rack up bedpost notches, they’re likely being flooded by messages from every eligible woman on the internet. With so many to choose from, the chances of them getting around to talking to you, no matter how awesome you are, are pretty slim.

The temptation to fall into the shallow trap is strong. I catch myself clicking “no thanks” at times without glancing at a profile because the guy just isn’t attractive at all. Or because he’s too old or too young, too heavy or too bald. I can’t seem to help myself. I’ll get that little rush of excitement when Mr. Perfect pops up on my screen, only to remind myself after I click that "like" button that he’s never going to message me back. (Sometimes they do, but usually what they have to propose is NOT tantamount to a long-term relationship.)

But the bad behavior seems to be spreading like wildfire amongst online datings’ men. They all are convinced that, now that they’ve paid their fees, the online dating gods will guarantee them a young hot thing who is willing to bear their children and overlook that giant hairy mole in an unfortunate location. They are shocked and offended when us ladies who are obviously not their age, their type or even on the same planet as them, say no.

And ladies, you are safe at no age. I’m 45. You’d think finding a man born near the same decade as me wouldn’t be that hard. But no. If a man is 45, he wants to date a girl who’s at most 35. If he’s 25 or 55, he wants to date me. Why? I have nothing in common with guys in either age group, but they message me anyway. So far I’ve yet to hear from a normal eligible man in his 40’s. Instead, I hear from scores of 30-somethings, hundreds of 50’s and 60’s, and even a septuagenarian who just wanted me to give birth to his one and only heir in exchange for my choice of homes in two major cities. (Yeah, good luck with that.)

For online dating to truly work, people need to learn to be realistic, and to treat each other like human beings. Guys, we ladies aren’t pretty baubles bred to entertain you, and we’re not the enemy. Treat us with a modicum of respect, open your mind to meeting someone slightly less attractive than Adriana Lima, and start asking some real women out. I assure you, going on real dates with real women is a lot more fun than waiting around for your super model dream date to accept your IM request.