The Dog that Caught the Car

Not so long ago, I let a younger co-worker (late 20's) talk me into hanging at a local hotspot with him on a Friday night. Most of the crowd was in their twenties, maybe a few in their early 30's, but almost no one near my age who wasn't part of an obvious group of co-workers. About 9 PM, HE sashays in. You know - that guy in the over-priced designer suit who's clearly over 45 but on the prowl for a little young bauble to drape over his arm. It was the most entertaining thing I saw all night. For hours, girl after spandex-clad-20-something girl fled from him, (some AFTER receiving a free drink), yet he continued to circulate the club targeting only the youngest, most fit ladies in the building. By the time I bailed out on my co-worker (around midnight), Delusional Daddy had become the joke of the night. "Was that normal?" I had to ask my friend at one point. Apparently it was.

This travesty of dating failure is not exclusive to bars. If you join any online dating service that lets you specify an age range, a large number of the men over 40 will list their desired future date as being under 35 (or their age minus 10+ years). Naturally, unless those men happen to own their own island or jet, they rarely succeed in finding a woman under 30 willing to go out with them, though they never seem to give up that dream.

The wonderful thing about the internet is how easy it is to find evidence of what happens when that midlife dog finally catches his shiny new little sports car. Chat rooms, blogs, forums; they're full of 20-something ladies bragging about duping "old men" out of their money, getting bored, and moving on. Quite often, those younger ladies are dating a man over 40 for his money and seeing a younger guy they're actually attracted to on the side. Sometimes even living with their younger boyfriend, who is either unaware of the scheme or in on it. These girls, (and yes, they're just girls), make no bones about laughing at their older dates in a public forum, knowing they've got the cover of internet anonymity to protect them and their revenue stream.

On occasion, I'll see a younger woman post how sad she is to break up with her 40+ beau because he just can't keep up and the physical side of the relationship is unsatisfactory. Normally, the lucky guy has no idea he's about to get dumped and may even believe he is keeping up with his younger gal. (Sorry, the little blue pills just don't up the energy level where it needs to be.) What's even sadder is she's rarely lamenting the loss of his company. Instead she'll say something like, "Sad - he was kind of hot for an older guy."

What you rarely, and I mean RARELY see, is a younger woman talking about seeking an older man for a lasting relationship. Women in their twenties will openly admit that the few amongst their friends who are attracted to older men generally have some pretty severe daddy issues, which opens a whole new can of worms.

While it is true that during our twenties, we women often are attracted to men who are a few years older than we are, it's more because most men under 25 are still functioning on incomplete frontal lobes, and it's obvious. However, as we approach thirty, the age range of men we're attracted to tends to narrow to within a few years of our own age. Why? This is mainly because we have more in common with men who attended high school and college in the same time frame and because physiologically we're more compatible. There is also a lot to be said for life stages, too. After thirty, unmarried women will generally hear that biological clock ticking and want to settle down with someone who has a decent career and a desire to start a family, too. If that guy has waited past 40 to start a family, there's always that question in the back of the younger woman's mind as to why. The answer we tend to form ourselves is normally along the lines of "commitment issues" or "loser."

Of course, the great thing about specified age ranges in online dating services is it lets a woman know up front that a guy has issues. If you're over 40 and only interested in women who are younger than you, chances are we want to avoid you like the plague because you're either exceedingly shallow or a control freak looking for a kid to push around rather than a partner for life. Thanks for the warning!

For you guys who actually want to meet a life partner, try seeking someone within 5-7 years of your own age. That's younger AND older. While men mature faster than women up until the age of 30, we tend to level out after 35, when having a life history and life stage in common become bigger factors in the future success of our relationships. And for you 40+ men who THINK you're keeping up with a that 25-year-old: put a chain on your wallet and stop popping the blue pills. You're going to give yourself a heart attack and she's still going to laugh at you with her friends when you're not around. And yes, she is the car and you are the dog, and we all know how that usually works out.